My Favorite Books of 2021

 Before 2021, I was in the longest reading slump of my life, no exaggeration. I started to wonder if I could even call myself a reader anymore. I couldn't finish a new book to save my life and my local library was so small that I had a hard time finding anything I was interested in within their limited selection. But I've always loved to read and write, so the fact that I was losing these lifelong loves of mine was really upsetting to me. I told myself that 2021 was going to be the year that I was going to rediscover my love of books again. So I set a Goodreads goal of 12 books for the year so that it wouldn't be too overwhelming and I could slowly jump back into reading. Well, according to Goodreads, I've read 39 books this year. So I definitely surpassed this goal. 

I read some incredible books this year. I didn't love every book I read but that's okay; not every book is for every person. I read books that I've known about for years and books I've never heard of until this year. It was a very mixed bag and I'm really proud to say that I can call myself a proud bookwork again. So I'm here today to talk about my favorite books of the year. If you haven't read these yet, I would definitely recommend that you go check them out!

1) The How and the Why by Cynthia Hand

This story follows Cassandra, a teenager that was adopted when she was a baby. It was a closed adoption, so she has no idea who her biological parents are. Her adoptive family has given her an incredible life but the story begins when her adoptive mother is in the hospital with a heart condition. Cassandra learns that letters were written to her by her biological mom when she was pregnant. So the book follows Cassandra's search for the letters while also balancing the guilt she feels for doing so while her mother is sick/in recovery. 

The letters were definitely my favorite part of the book. I love when books do flashbacks or include written letters. It's always such a nice touch. I couldn't put this book down. Hand's writing was just so addicting. Her characters were so compelling and I was genuinely invested in the journey to find out about her birth mother. When the book was over, I was scared to read another one because I knew that I couldn't possibly love it as much as I loved this one. 

2) Daughter of the Pirate King by Tricia Levenseller

Alosa, daughter of the elusive and powerful Pirate King, allows herself to be taken hostage aboard her enemies' ship while she secretly looks for a map for her father. While onboard, she falls in love with the ship's first mate and discovers that her life with her father might not be what she thinks it is. 

This book was so much fun! I couldn't put this down. The banter between Alosa and Ryden was perfect. This book had everything, romance, humor, action, betrayal. Alosa's backstory was so interesting and it was perfect for fans of Pirates of the Caribbean (which I am). I immediately went to Barnes and Noble to pick up the sequel. 

3) The Inheritance Games by Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Avery Grambs is randomly left a billionaire's fortune, even though she never met him before he passed. The only condition for receiving the fortune is that she has to live in his mansion for a year. Unfortunately, his family is, understandably, very upset that they've been stilted in the will. While in the house, Avery receives death threats, becomes involved in a love triangle and tries to solve the mystery of why she was left the fortune in the first place. 

This book had so many twists and turns. It was such a wild ride. I am not someone that's adept at solving puzzles or figuring out riddles, so every twist caught me completely off-guard. I loved the use of games within the story. It showed that the author really thought everything out beforehand. The characters had big personalities and they were so much fun to follow. I preordered the sequel immediately and also loved it. 

4) Go the Distance (Twisted Tales #11) by Jen Calonita

This year, I decided that, since I'm such a big Disney fan, that I'd start reading the Twisted Tales series. I read 5 this year but this one was by far my favorite. This book starts out right after Hercules defeated the Titans. He tries to give up his rights to Mount Olympus to be with Meg as a mortal but his request is denied. So the only way for he and Meg to be together is if she becomes a god like Hercules. She is then sent on a quest to save her ex-boyfriend's wife from the underworld. If she can't do so before the time limit, then she can't be with Hercules. 

This one was another book that was just pure fun. It was amazing to jump into this world and go on such an interesting adventure. I loved that Meg wasn't just saving someone random. This gave her a real challenge, to save the wife of the man she gave up her soul for. I could definitely see myself reading this again, which is more than I could say for some of the other Twisted Tales. I also picked up Mirror, Mirror, also by Calonita, this year (the Snow White Twisted Tale) and that one was also really good. But if you're looking for a Twisted Tale to start off the series, please go with this one. 

5) The Afterlife of Holly Chase by Cynthia Hand

17-year-old Holly Chase is visited by 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve and shown the error of her selfish ways. The ghosts try to warn her that if she doesn't change her ways, that when she dies, there will be punishment. She ignores all of their advice and ends up dying shortly after their visit. As part of her punishment, she is doomed to live as the new Ghost of Christmas Past. She has her new job for a few years and goes through the motions until one day, she falls in love with the new prospect for Project Scrooge. 

This was the first and only book that I read in a day this year. There is just something about Hand's writing that I find addicting. I wasn't even sure that I was going to love this book when I first bought it. I just picked it up because it was December and I wanted to read something about Christmas. I'm so glad that I gave this book a chance. I loved all of the characters, the wit, the world that Hand created and the ending. Hand definitely solidified herself as my new favorite author this year. If you've never read her books before, please pick them up. You won't be sorry!

Overall, I had a very solid reading year and I'm very pleased with all of the books that I was able to finish. What were your favorite books of 2021? Have you read any of my favorites? What were your thoughts? 

-Chelsea 

Mom Guilt

 It's no secret that motherhood is hard. It's the most beautiful and fulfilling job in the world but it's still hard. And despite the hundreds of parenting books out there, there is no way to be a perfect parent or escape the overwhelming feelings that come along with parenting. I know that everyone experiences their own hardships and views things differently. But for me personally, the hardest part of motherhood so far has been what people call "mom guilt". 

I know the type of mother that I want to be. I want to be kind, nurturing, understanding, firm, tough but fair. Authoritative, not authoritarian. Not too lax and not too strict. I want my son to know that he can come to me for anything and that I'll never judge him. I want him to respect me, not fear me. I want him to know that I'm a safe place for him. But as much as I want to be his best friend, he needs to know that I'm his parent first. And I want him to know that every choice that I ever make, I'm making with him in mind. 

And even though I feel those feelings in my bones, I question every decision I make. A lot of parenting is picking your battles. Every day I wonder if I pick too many battles or not enough. I worry about if I'm letting him watch too much TV or if I'm not working with him enough outside of school. I worry if I'm too strict or if I'm not strict enough. I worry about his eating habits and if I'm making sure that he's eating healthy enough. 

And every time that I question myself, I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. 

I know that I'm doing my best and I never know what life is going to throw at me. Despite all of the research I've done about raising kids, I'm just winging this parenting thing. And I know that even when parents have the best of intentions, sometimes things don't turn out the way that they want them to. There's just no way to know how your child is going to interpret your actions or what they'll like or resent about the way that you raised them. But no matter what, how we parent and what choices we make ultimately influence our children's personalities and worldviews. 

And man is that a lot of responsibility. 

My son is the light of my life. He represents everything good about this world. He is smart, athletic, funny, kind, silly, creative, sweet, brave and strong. He is everything that I ever could've wanted him to be and more. And the last thing that I would ever want to do is dull his shine. 

He has a close relationship with his grandparents. He's in a soccer program that he loves. He is clothed, fed and has a roof over his head. I feed him organic when I can afford it. He goes to a good school. He's happy. And still, if you asked me to say the sentence "I'm a good mom", I would struggle to get the words out. The guilt and the insecurity that I often feel would take over. I know that as a mom, I'm doing the best that I can. I can only hope that it's good enough. 

Mothers are judged often and hard by society. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down. So please, tell the mothers that are in your life that they're doing a good job. You have no idea how much they might need to hear that. 

-Chelsea 

I'm Using My Voice

Over the past few months, I've gone through a lot of changes, some internal and some external. My world has truly felt like it was turned completely upside down. Not only has there been a global health pandemic, my personal life has gone through some dramatic shifts as well. My husband's military contract ended, we moved back to our home state and we're both now trying to pick up the pieces to see what the next chapter of our lives looks like. I've decided to make the transition from working from home/being a stay-at-home mom to becoming a working mom. I've had friendships and other personal relationships tested. Truly, I've felt pushed to my limit at times and the stress has gotten to me. But in the midst of these challenges and changes, I've had to learn how to adapt. These last few months have helped turn me into a different person and I truly do think that these changes are for the better.

I've always self-identified as someone that was very shy, timid and anxious in my personal life. It was as if I was afraid of the world and everyone in it. I'd get weighed down by the force of my own anxiety and paralyzing thoughts. But when I'd do what people call "play a role" I was a different person. It was as if I could turn a switch in my brain and all of a sudden, I was a confident, no nonsense person that wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. And I honestly didn't care if people liked me or not. I had a job to do. It was as if I had an alter ego. The Chelsea that quarterbacked her football team or fulfilled the supervisor role at her grocery store job was not the same Chelsea that people saw in my day-to-day life. 



And people used to ask me all the time, "How come we're seeing two different versions of you? If you can be confident sometimes, how come you can't be confident all the time?" And I didn't always have an answer. But I think it came down to feeling like I needed permission. On the football field, I had permission from my coaches to push my players. I had permission to lead them and to make decisions that would ultimately change the outcome of the game. When I started working the front office at the grocery store, I had permission from my bosses to enforce rules and regulations. I had permission to hold the staff accountable for doing their jobs and making sure that the store standards were held. But I didn't feel like, in my everyday life, I had permission to say what I was thinking or stick up from myself, without fear or the need to apologize for disagreeing with someone. I felt like I never stopped walking on eggshells. And that was exhausting, both mentally and emotionally.



But as I'm getting closer and closer to my 30s, I'm realizing that I no longer have the patience to do that anymore. I don't have time to keep putting myself in positions where I feel like I can't speak my piece for fear of someone else's reaction. I don't have time to be miserable or tolerate being treated badly by someone just because I love them. I've realized that I don't need permission to be strong or to feel convictions about my life anymore. And even if I did, I give myself that permission. The first part of taking my power back was realizing that I never had to give it to someone else in the first place. And now that I know that, I'm never giving it away again. 



Clichés are clichés for a reason: because they're true. So when people say, "Life is too short to be unhappy" or "Life is too short to not say what's on your mind" they're absolutely right. I wasted so much of my life being scared of what would happen if someone didn't like me or if I said something that hurt someone's feelings, even if I truly felt that they needed to hear it. And it got me nowhere. Now, I'm getting to the point where I realize that all I can control is how I act and react in different situations. 

I truly feel as if I've gone through my own personal metamorphosis. There have been times where I wonder if I've let the world harden me or if my skin has become too thick. But I know that I needed to grow because what I was doing clearly wasn't working for me. And to be quite honest, it wasn't working for the people closest to me. I felt like I had to be who they wanted me to be and that I couldn't give them my honest opinions. I felt like I had to censor or water down my personality and thoughts. But I realize now that that's not true. I can't be who anyone else wants me to be and even when I tried, I was never really happy with myself. I knew it was wrong but I kept doing it anyway because I was scared of the possible consequences I'd deal with. But once I stopped being afraid and started being upfront with people, I realized that it wasn't the end of the world. The worst that would happen is that someone would get mad at me. But life moves on no matter what and I had to learn how to move on with it. 



Nobody's voice is more important than another's. Everyone is equal. So by allowing myself to act like what everyone else thought or wanted was more important than what I thought or wanted, I was ultimately doing myself a disservice. I wasn't less important or less deserving than they were. I'm equal and I always have been. I just wish that it didn't take me so long to realize it.



I know that I'm going to make choices that people don't agree with and that I'm going to disagree with people on a daily basis. But I'm not going to allow myself to be held down by self-doubt or fear anymore. What I think is important. What I feel is important. What I want is important. And ultimately, at the end of the day, I shouldn't be scared of expressing my opinion. I have a responsibility to myself to live and express my truth. I can't control what happens after and as someone that tends to thrive on control, normally that would scare me. But it doesn't. I feel incredibly at peace with the decisions I've made and the things that I've said because ultimately, whenever I've done anything, I thought it was the right thing to do.



I have to set a good example for my son and show him that he shouldn't be afraid of doing or saying anything, whether it's sticking up for himself, standing up to a friend or just not being afraid to express his opinion or truth. I have to be someone that can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I've lived life authentically and unapologetically myself.

When I started therapy journey back in 2012, my therapist told me that whenever someone tried to ignore what I was saying or put me down for my opinion to say, "I'm using my voice". That way, I could convey to the person just how important what I said was to me and they would know that I needed to be heard. 

So look out, world. I'm using my voice. 

-Chelsea 

Sensitivity

For as long as I can remember, I've been an extremely sensitive person. I've worn my heart on my sleeve and had my heart broken countless times. I also think that society paints the picture that sensitive people are weak. And that collective narrative from the world made me feel so bad about myself. I thought that how sensitive or easily hurt I was meant that there was something wrong with me and I carried that burden throughout my life.

On a recent visit to my friend, I had a discussion with her about how I'd been hurt by something she accidentally did to me. Now, despite the fact that I knew that it was a complete accident, I couldn't stop myself from feeling hurt. I knew that this was my issue and I had to deal with it, especially since she'd given me a genuine apology. But no matter how much I wanted to just let it go, I felt the need to talk to her about it because I needed her to know how much it hurt me. And as I explained how I felt, I repeatedly apologized to her for overreacting and crying about what she'd done.

To my surprise, she told me to stop apologizing and scolded me for berating myself unnecessarily. She said, "I know you're sensitive. You don't have to keep apologizing." And I kept prodding, saying that I needed her to know that I was more mad at my reaction than I was at her. What she said to me has stuck with me since. "Stop looking at your sensitivity as a flaw. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Think of it like a car. If a car has sensitive brakes, that doesn't make it a bad car. It's just a car with sensitive brakes. The same is true for you. You're not any less of a person because you're sensitive. It's not a flaw. It's just part of who you are."

It's amazing how one conversation with someone can help you see things more clearly. I'm someone that can hear the same thing repeatedly and know that you're right. But what you said still might not stick. But if you give me an analogy, it'll sink in a lot easier. So the car analogy was just what I needed. And I do think that she's right. Being sensitive isn't something that I need to look at with disdain; in fact, I think that I should embrace it. Loving yourself is about loving all of you and I've been working really hard this past year and a half at doing just that.

Instead of viewing my sensitivity as a weakness, I'm going to start looking at it as a strength. After all, my sensitivity helps me feel compassion, sympathy and empathy for others. It helps me feel things very deeply, which allows me to be passionate; and being passionate is one of my favorite components of my personality. My sensitivity also allows me to connect more easily with others and helps me be there for people when they need me. It helps me stay in tune with my emotions and lets me know when I need to take a look at myself and what I'm feeling.

It's so easy to look at yourself and pick apart at your personality traits or flaws. It's a lot harder to recognize the strength or the potential for strength that you have inside of you. And I'm very guilty of that. It's taken a long time to retrain my brain to see myself in a positive light. It's been a lot of work and even now, I still have a lot more work to do. But I'm jumping in with both feet because learning to love myself has given me so much happiness. And isn't that what life's all about? Happiness isn't always easy to find but it's a lot easier if you start looking inside yourself for it.

So if you're overly sensitive, like me, I know that you've probably felt a little extra pain throughout the course of your life. But I also know that you're incredibly loyal, fiercely compassionate, generous, loving and strong. Don't ever lose sight of that. You may be sensitive but you're also a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. So don't reject it, embrace it and more importantly, embrace your whole self.

-Chelsea

My Unconditional Love

Ever since I had my son, I've been asked a lot of weird questions. But the weirdest one by far is, "Will you be disappointed if he doesn't grow up to be exactly like you?"

No. Not in the slightest. There is no way that my son could ever be a disappointment, especially over something so trivial.   

I didn't have a child so that I could raise myself. My parents already did that. I'm raising my son and he's his own person. He's allowed to have his own likes, beliefs, hobbies, talents, etc. I don't want to raise him to be exactly like me. That would be so incredibly boring and unfair to him. But also, he's only a year old. How could I put expectations on him like that? How could I imply that he'd disappoint or upset me simply because he doesn't like what I like?

I'm so excited to see who he grows up to be, the most authentic version of himself. It's a journey that I'm loving so far and I know I'm blessed to be on it. As a parent, I don't want to put any limitations on him. I want him to know that I will support him no matter what he likes or wants to do. Unconditional love is just that, unconditional. A mother's love has no strings attached. I would never say that my love or acceptance of my child was dependent on anything because it isn't. And that's one thing that my son can count on. He never has to worry about my expectations of him because all I want is for him to be happy and know that he is loved, safe and accepted.

I once had a talk with my therapist about children being different from their parents. She explained, "When a woman is pregnant, people look at the mother and child as being the same person because they're sharing a body. Everything the mother does affects the baby. But once that baby is born, they're officially separated and they baby becomes their own person." And that's exactly how I feel. He's an individual and he should be treated as such. I don't need him to be a carbon-copy of me and I don't want that for him.

And that goes for anything. Earlier today, I took him to story time at the library and the librarian let the kids play with drumsticks. My son loved them. He normally responds very well to toys that make music, as well. And I got to thinking, what if one day he grows up to be a musician? How amazing would that be? I don't know how to play a single instrument and it would make me prouder than you can imagine if he had a skill or talent that I didn't have. 

As a parent, I don't want my son to be like me. I want him to be better than me. I want him to have skills, talents and opportunities that I didn't have. For all I know, he might grow up to be the exact opposite of me. He could hate to read and write. He could hate football or sports in general. He could be confident and outspoken. And I wouldn't change it. I would accept him for who he is, the best thing that's ever happened to me and my favorite person. 

And that, just like my unconditional love for him, will never change. 

-Chelsea 

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everyone knows the expression, "Everything happens for a reason". It's become so well-known that it's almost a cliché at this point. I think people don't even realize how often they say it. It's a comforting notion, that the universe is helping us along in our journeys and that it helps move our lives in the right direction. 

I'm not a religious person, so I don't subscribe to the idea that there is a fully thought-out plan for my life. But, especially for the past few years, I have believed that everything really does happen for a reason. And in my experience, it's usually been to teach me a lesson. For example, when my husband and I were originally stationed in Fort Drum, New York back in 2013, we weren't happy about it at all. Being born and raised in Florida, the idea of living just beneath the Canadian border was our own personal nightmare. We didn't know anything about driving in the snow. We needed to buy a whole new winter wardrobe. We would be 1,400 miles away from our families. Our families were constantly checking the weather and worrying about us during lake effect snowstorms. The list of problems went on an on. 

We were originally told that we were going to be stationed there for 3 years but we ended up staying there for 4 and a half. In the beginning, we couldn't wait to leave. The time passed slowly and we felt trapped. But my mother kept reminding me that I would only be as miserable as I would allow myself to be. I realized that I couldn't change my circumstances but I could change how I reacted to them. I ended up getting nannying jobs with some really wonderful kids. I discovered some incredibly beautiful wineries. I hiked mountains and found waterfalls. I met my best friend. I began pole dancing and met some of the most amazing friends that I've ever had. During my last year there, I discovered a small town called Clayton. It's truly a hidden gem. I fell in love with the town and everyone in it. Because I watched some of the kids there, I felt like I became part of the town and the family I worked for made me feel like I was a part of their family, especially during Kris' deployment. 

Looking back, I'm so happy that we ended up staying in Drum longer than we expected. Accepting my circumstances with a positive attitude really changed everything for me. I met the most incredible people that I never would've met otherwise and traveled the country with them. I got to live in and fall in love with a part of the world I never would've otherwise seen. Had we moved after 3 years, like we were originally supposed to, I never would've discovered Clayton or made the wonderful lifelong memories that I now have. I'm incredibly grateful for them and I miss Clayton so much every day. 

Living in New York taught me so much about myself and about life. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done. Moving 1,400 miles away from my family and my safety net was terrifying. I was thrust into adulthood and went from living at home with my parents to taking care of myself on the other end of the country. Learning to drive in the snow was petrifying. Living on my own in New York while Kris was deployed instead of going back home to Florida was a choice that I questioned most days while he was gone. But in the end, I'm so glad that I did all of those things. 

Doing all of that forced me to grow. Staying in my comfort zone would've been the worst thing that I could've done for myself and I'd never know what I know now. I'm so much more confident in myself and my independence. Now, I don't have any doubts that I could take care of myself, that I could make the best out of a bad situation or that I can adapt to a new place, regardless of whether or not I chose it. I am the person that I am today because I did the things that terrified me and forced me out of my comfort zone. In the end, I came out stronger because of it. I was meant to go to New York. I was meant to stay 4 and a half years. What I originally feared would be the worst time of my life was truly one of the best things that ever happened to me. Everything was meant to be and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I might not always know what's best for me. I thought the best thing would've been for me to either stay in Florida or get out of New York as fast as possible. But I was wrong. I don't know everything and I didn't then, either. The universe knew what I needed and it provided it, as well as my clarity. I can truly say with assurance that everything does happen for a reason and what is meant to be will be. 

-Chelsea 

Letting Go of My Anxiety

I've had a lot of time to think lately about the kind of life that I want to have. And yesterday, I realized something: my past no longer has to dictate my life. As cliché as it sounds, hindsight really is 20-20 and now that my eyes have been opened to how toxic my ways of thinking were to myself, I can't go back. As someone that has consistently struggled with anxiety, I've realized how much of it is unnecessary. The ridiculous, often unachievable, standards to which I live my life and the absolute crippling fear of the world that I've always had don't need to follow me into the future. I can leave them in the past, where they belong.

Now, I know it's not as simple as that. It's easier said than done but that doesn't make it impossible. I have been working on myself and educating myself about how to improve my ways of thinking. It's been a lot of hard work and has involved a lot of in-depth self-reflection. And it's been incredibly informative. When I think about why I am the way I am or why I think the way I do, I can now trace it back to specific events or certain people that helped shape my life. And if I'm honest, although I'm proud of the overall person that I've become, I'm far from who I want to be. But now that I've started the process, there is no going back, only moving forward.

I never knew how fast time could go until I became a mother. It feels like I blink and another month has gone by. The days all go by and fade into each other until I can't believe how much time has past. And that has shown me just how short life really is. I don't want to waste any more of my life holding onto toxic traits or feeling as if I deserve less than what I do. I want to live life to the fullest and have no regrets.

But I know that in this process, I'll lose people in my life, whether they're friends or family. In fact, I already have. But I can't focus on that. If those people don't want to embrace, a stronger, more mentally healthy person, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Too often, I've been afraid to stand up to people, have put myself down for the sake of another person or let other people manipulate me because of my anxiety. But not anymore. I've always felt crippled by my anxiety and when it's controlled by another person, I'm not just a prisoner in my own mind; I'm a prisoner in theirs, too. It was never okay. That way of life was never good enough. But I lived it.

And now I'm realizing more than ever that I can't please everyone. I can't be perfect. Everyone isn't going to like me. Not everyone is going to like my work. Sometimes you have to tell people things that they don't want to hear and vice versa. Bad things happen in life and there's nothing I can do about it. All of these thoughts have constantly haunted me until my anxiety spun them so far out of control that I became immobilized by worries that probably wouldn't happen. Uncertainty and fear were my greatest enemies and my anxiety's biggest allies.

I'm not saying that I can flip a switch and immediately become a better person. But what I can tell you is that lately, I've felt more powerful and more myself than I ever have in my life. I'm becoming someone that I can truly be proud of. And I won't rest until I no longer describe myself as an anxious person and the word "anxiety" is erased from my vocabulary, no matter how long it takes.

-Chelsea

Apologizing to My Younger Self

Dear Chelsea,

We've been through so much over the years and I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I've always considered myself a pretty good person, until I remember how I've treated you for your entire life. You're so loyal, so passionate and most of all, you're one of the most loving people I know. But for some reason, I never let you give any of that love to yourself. And I should've. You have more than enough to give. And maybe, if I did, you wouldn't have struggled so much with your self-esteem or confidence.

I'm sorry that I let you care so much about what other people thought of you. Those people whose opinions helped shape your self-image aren't even in your life anymore. I'm sorry that I allowed you to settle for less than you deserved. I'm sorry that you found more comfort by yourself than you did with others. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you to speak up for yourself. I'm sorry that I was so tough on you and put expectations on you that nobody could realistically reach. I'm sorry that I let your mind wander and dwell in such dark places. I'm sorry that I allowed your loyalty to others to keep you in situations that you knew would end up hurting you. I'm sorry that I let you be easily guilted into doing things that you didn't want to do. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time. I'm sorry I allowed you to feel, at times, unspeakable pain and that I didn't give you the courage to share it with your friends and family. I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through and that I forced you to go through it all alone.

I know that you can't see it right now but I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At twenty-five years old, you're so much more than what you thought you could ever be. You have everything you ever wanted. You're married and recently had your first incredible child. You faced your biggest fear and accomplished your biggest dream when you published your first book last year. You earned an English degree. You recently got hired as an editor and just finished editing your first client's book. You have a beautiful house and the best friends that you could've asked for. Your life is an adventure. You've lived in three different states. You worked as a nanny to put yourself through college. You've traveled on multiple girls' trips with your friends. You took up competitive pole dancing. You've pushed yourself outside your comfort zone and went after everything you wanted, regardless of your fears. You've made the most incredible memories and found so much strength inside of you that you never knew existed. I promise you, Chelsea, that you might have seen yourself as invisible, different or even, at times, unlikeable but you are and have always been extraordinary. And I am so sorry that I ever let you think otherwise.

Your life is wonderful and so different than you could've ever dreamed. And what's exciting is how much more potential it has. You used to see the world in black and white. But trust me, not only are there shades of gray, there are so many colors. You've grown so much as a person and every day you're molding yourself into who you're meant to be. You're a work in progress and you have so much more to learn. But don't be overwhelmed. Just look at how far you've come and look at the lessons you've learned.

Your anxiety doesn't define you. Your happiness isn't dependent on what others think of you. You were given natural gifts and talent, so it is your responsibility to use them. No matter what, there is always room for more love in your heart, so you have no excuse not to give it to yourself. And just because you're not perfect doesn't mean that people will love you any less.

You used to always say, "I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist." And I'm here to tell you, Chelsea, that perception is reality. If you allow yourself to see yourself as the strong, independent, capable, funny, smart and likeable woman you truly are, your life will change in the blink of an eye. And I wish that I could've done that for you. I'm so sorry that, especially during your teenage years, I allowed you to scrutinize yourself and see the world in a negative light. You have so much to offer the world and the world has so much to offer you. You just have to be willing to see it.

I am so sorry for everything, more than you'll ever know. But I also need to thank you for all that you've taught me. I'm the woman I am today because of you and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

-Chelsea

Who Planted Those Seeds?

Around 5 years ago, I started seeing a therapist to help me learn to control my anxiety. I was really scared to do it but I knew that I needed it. I didn't want to be scared of the world and I knew that I could benefit from someone else's objective opinions about my problems. Seeing a therapist ended up being one of the best things I've ever done. She gave me the tools to help improve my life and helped me see things from a different point of view. Her advice changed my life and I still use it daily.

I haven't seen another therapist since I moved away from Florida and over the past few months, I've gone through a lot emotionally. I've been going through a lot and once the hormones from just having a baby got mixed in with all of that, life became overwhelming for me. So my mother suggested that I go see my old therapist during my visit home for Christmas. I thought it was a great idea and I made the appointment.

And I'm so glad that I did.

During my session, we talked about my low self-esteem and low self-worth. I've been dealing with those problems my whole life, even though I've come very far over the past few years. And as I'm describing how I see myself to her, I started saying things like: I'm anxious, I'm easily guilted into things, I'm not as attractive as I wish I was, I'm stubborn, I'm weird, I'm a nerd, etc. Once I was done, she looked at me with compassion and sincerity and said, "Chelsea, who planted those seeds?"

I didn't understand what she meant at first and she said, "Whose opinions are these? Are they yours? Or have you allowed other people to plant seeds of doubt about yourself? And do you carry them and allow them to grow? Is this how you see yourself or is this how you think the people around you see you?"

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought about how I was bullied when I was a kid and how I had a bad habit of holding onto toxic friendships that always ended up making me feel bad about myself. So I said, "They're other people's opinions of me. I just absorbed them like they were true." To which she responded, "And what was their motive for planting those seeds?"

That was when the lightbulb went off. Every bad opinion of myself that I've taken from other people had a reason for being there. Bullies made me feel bad because they wanted to feel powerful and they gained their power by making me feel weak. My toxic friends made me feel bad because they wanted to lift themselves up while tearing me down. The list goes on and on. So I realized that not only was I carrying around the feelings of other people that didn't even matter to me anymore but I was allowing them to define my worth. And in doing so, I've allowed them to manipulate me.

Now that I'd had my epiphany and gotten out so many repressed feelings during my session, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That one refresher session made me feel so much happier and lighter. I didn't realize how badly I'd needed a session until I was back in that chair, spewing all of my insecurities. I think that everyone can benefit from therapy and that sometimes, it's just comforting to know that there is someone there for you that only has your best interests at heart. They have nothing to gain but the knowledge that they're helping you lead a better life and I encourage everyone to do it.

I constantly call myself a work in progress. I know that at my core, I'm a good person but I do have very far to go as far as confidence and self-acceptance. It's a difficult journey but it's worth it as long as I get to the end result, which is self-acceptance and refusing to apologize for being 100 percent myself. Even though I know that I have flaws, just like everyone else does, I'm ultimately proud of who I am.


So now, when I describe myself, this is what I'll say:

I'm passionate. I'm funny. I'm athletic. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm funny. I'm fun. I'm focused. I'm determined. I'm helpful. I'm generous. I'm kind. And most of all, I'm loyal.

From now on, I'm going to remind myself that nobody else's opinion of me should matter and that how I view myself is the only thing that defines me.

The best part of this experience is that the seeds of doubt that grew inside my mind will now start to wither away over time as I learn to completely accept myself. And in their place, these new seeds of confidence will start to grow.

And who planted those seeds?

Me.

-Chelsea

One day, it'll be the last time

Yesterday while I was feeding my son, my husband looks over at me and says, "Aw. He's holding your finger." I looked down and saw that he was, but oddly enough, I hadn't noticed. He does it during every feeding, so it's something that I've gotten used to. But it got me thinking. I don't want to miss out on that stuff, even for a second because one day, that sweet little baby is going to grow up. And those special little moments will fade away.

Now that I'm a parent, I know what adults mean when they say that time goes by too fast. When you're a kid, a year seems like an eternity. But now that I'm grown, I blink and a year has gone by. I still can't believe that this time last year, I had just found out that I was pregnant. It's mind-boggling to me that my son is nearly four months old now and is about to experience his first Christmas. And thinking about it makes me go down memory lane and think about all of my experiences growing up.

One day, my dad held me up on his shoulders for the last time. He didn't know that after that time, I'd be too heavy for him to do it anymore. One day, I stopped wearing my mom's heels around the house. She had no idea that it was the last time she'd find her shoes scattered across her closet. One day, my parents watched me play outside for the last time. They had no idea that after that, they wouldn't hear the sound of my laughter coming from the jungle gym anymore.

And as heartbreaking as it will be, those days will come for me and my son, too. But it's a part of growing up. Every day that passes by goes too quickly nowadays but I have to remind myself that I'm lucky to get a chance to live another day. Every new day is a chance for my son to learn a new skill. It's a chance for new memories. It's a chance to show the people that I love that I love them.

One day, my son will stop holding my finger while he eats. One day, my son will stop hating bath time. One day, my son won't fit in his little monkey pajamas. One day, I'll read my son his last bedtime story. One day, his face won't light up anymore when he sees Elmo. I only have so many of these moments left, just like my parents did with me. So, I'm making a promise to stay more present during these moments and someday, when these moments become memories, I'll remind myself about something very important: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."- Dr. Seuss

-Chelsea

Moments

Ever since I gave birth to my son a few weeks ago, I keep finding myself thinking about moments that I wish didn't have to end. Everyone always says that kids grow up too fast but you never really think about it until you have your own. And then you're surprised when you blink and the first few months of their lives go by. People tell you about how the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years.

But nobody tells you about the moments.

Like the moments when they flash their toothless smiles and you soak it in because you know that one day that smile will be full of teeth. Or when they wrap their fingers around yours during every feeding, like they're saying thank you. Or when they cry for you to hold them and you hold them tight because you know that one day they'll be too heavy for you to do it again. Or those moments when they drift off to sleep on your chest because they feel so comfortable and safe. Or when they reach a new milestone and you're so excited; but you feel a small pang of sadness because you know that your little baby isn't going to be little much longer.

I've been blessed with an incredible baby. He's calm. He sleeps through the night. He's easy-going. He loves people and animals. He loves long car rides. His personality is developing a little more each day and it's been so much fun watching him figure out what he likes and doesn't like. We're figuring each other out and creating such a beautiful, special bond. I knew that parenthood would be fun but I didn't know how much of an adventure it would be. Every day is a learning experience for the both of us.

He's still so little now and everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it. They say that these are the moments that I'll miss the most when he's older and I know they're right. I know that I'm going to look back on my life one day and think of these months as the best time of my life. I'm so blessed to be a mom but I'm incredibly lucky to be his mom.

I wish that time could stand still. I'd do anything to make that happen. But I can't. So I'll just keep enjoying every moment possible with my little boy. Creating a family was the best decision I ever made and I'm so thankful that I made it. Now that he's here, I can't imagine my life without him and it's weird to think that there was a time in my life when I wasn't his mom. My world revolves around him and the moments that are worth more to me than anything else in the world. My boy and the memories that we're making together are priceless and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I always knew that my purpose in life was to be a writer. But now I know that my destiny was also to be a mother. My life is about him and making sure that I make him as happy as he makes me. Everyone always says that life goes by so fast and that we need to stop and smell the roses. And because of my son, I finally have a reason to.

-Chelsea

When People Show You Who They Really Are, You Have to Believe Them

You know how you can tell who your true friends are, the people who really care about you? They tell you things that you don't want to hear. They're honest with you, even if you don't want to hear it. They know that you need to hear it. 

This happened to me two days ago and I keep thinking about it. For a while now, there have been strains in a few of my relationships, ones that should have been easily avoided. Unfortunately, I can't say that I'm surprised that they happened. But the weight of how I've been treated by these people has been keeping me down and affecting me. I'm constantly thinking about it because the pain is so raw and I honestly can't believe that these people would be willing to hurt me like that. 

So as I'm venting to my best friend, she tells me that I'm the one who is hurting myself. She points out that these people have shown me exactly who they are on multiple occasions and that the pain I'm feeling is coming from the fact that I'm hoping that these people will change. But they won't. And to be honest, I didn't want to hear that but the more that I thought about it, I realized that she was right. I'm allowing them to hurt me and in doing so, I'm only hurting myself because they're not losing any sleep over their behavior. Only I am. 

I'm someone that feels things very deeply, someone that was raised to be a good person that considered other peoples' feelings. I would never intentionally hurt someone else or make them feel the way that I have been lately. That's why I can't wrap my brain around this situation and I keep waiting for it to change. But it's not going to because these people aren't me; they weren't raised like I was. These people don't care about me. These people don't deserve me in their lives and they definitely don't deserve to have me obsessing over their behavior towards me. 

I've asked quite a few people for advice about how to handle this and every person keeps telling me the same thing. They tell me to put my guard up and protect my feelings. They tell me to toughen up and put a fence around my heart so that these people can't hurt me anymore. They tell me to cut these people out of my life and if I ever do see them again, be cold to them. And I know that they're right but it feels so weird to go against my natural instincts. I always want to fix problems. I always want to see the best in people. I always want to give people more chances than they probably deserve. But at the end of the day, all that I get is wasted time and heartache. 

It hurts me to know that the actions of other people are forcing me to change. I don't feel like that's fair but I guess that's life. It isn't fair sometimes. And if being cold sometimes and learning not to care as much is going to help me stay mentally healthy, then that's what I'm going to have to do. Obsessing over this has taken up too much of my life already and I need to focus on what I can change, which is how I approach these types of situations. I have to toughen up. My son needs my time and energy, not these people that do nothing but break my heart and cause me to question what I ever did to deserve such treatment. 

I consider myself to be an extremely passionate person who wears their heart on their sleeves. So training myself to be tougher is going to be really hard for me but I need to set an example for my son. He needs to know that nobody else should ever make him question his self-worth. He needs to know that protecting yourself doesn't make you a bad person. He needs to know that negative people are toxic and that negativity is contagious. And he needs to know that I'll do anything to protect us from people that don't have our best interests at heart. So even though I'm very sensitive, feel things on a deep level and have difficulty letting things go, I feel as if I've got no choice but to try to be stronger than I've ever been. Holding onto the past and holding onto people that have already let go is not going to propel me forward. From now on, I'm going to be much more selective of the people that I let into my inner circle. I'm gonna do whatever I can to stop hurting myself and stop other people from hurting me. It isn't worth it and it's making life tougher than it already is. And I officially don't have time for it anymore. 

I'm only sorry that it took me this long to accept the truth: that when people show you who they really are, you have to believe them.

-Chelsea