I've always self-identified as someone that was very shy, timid and anxious in my personal life. It was as if I was afraid of the world and everyone in it. I'd get weighed down by the force of my own anxiety and paralyzing thoughts. But when I'd do what people call "play a role" I was a different person. It was as if I could turn a switch in my brain and all of a sudden, I was a confident, no nonsense person that wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. And I honestly didn't care if people liked me or not. I had a job to do. It was as if I had an alter ego. The Chelsea that quarterbacked her football team or fulfilled the supervisor role at her grocery store job was not the same Chelsea that people saw in my day-to-day life.
And people used to ask me all the time, "How come we're seeing two different versions of you? If you can be confident sometimes, how come you can't be confident all the time?" And I didn't always have an answer. But I think it came down to feeling like I needed permission. On the football field, I had permission from my coaches to push my players. I had permission to lead them and to make decisions that would ultimately change the outcome of the game. When I started working the front office at the grocery store, I had permission from my bosses to enforce rules and regulations. I had permission to hold the staff accountable for doing their jobs and making sure that the store standards were held. But I didn't feel like, in my everyday life, I had permission to say what I was thinking or stick up from myself, without fear or the need to apologize for disagreeing with someone. I felt like I never stopped walking on eggshells. And that was exhausting, both mentally and emotionally.
But as I'm getting closer and closer to my 30s, I'm realizing that I no longer have the patience to do that anymore. I don't have time to keep putting myself in positions where I feel like I can't speak my piece for fear of someone else's reaction. I don't have time to be miserable or tolerate being treated badly by someone just because I love them. I've realized that I don't need permission to be strong or to feel convictions about my life anymore. And even if I did, I give myself that permission. The first part of taking my power back was realizing that I never had to give it to someone else in the first place. And now that I know that, I'm never giving it away again.
Clichés are clichés for a reason: because they're true. So when people say, "Life is too short to be unhappy" or "Life is too short to not say what's on your mind" they're absolutely right. I wasted so much of my life being scared of what would happen if someone didn't like me or if I said something that hurt someone's feelings, even if I truly felt that they needed to hear it. And it got me nowhere. Now, I'm getting to the point where I realize that all I can control is how I act and react in different situations.
I truly feel as if I've gone through my own personal metamorphosis. There have been times where I wonder if I've let the world harden me or if my skin has become too thick. But I know that I needed to grow because what I was doing clearly wasn't working for me. And to be quite honest, it wasn't working for the people closest to me. I felt like I had to be who they wanted me to be and that I couldn't give them my honest opinions. I felt like I had to censor or water down my personality and thoughts. But I realize now that that's not true. I can't be who anyone else wants me to be and even when I tried, I was never really happy with myself. I knew it was wrong but I kept doing it anyway because I was scared of the possible consequences I'd deal with. But once I stopped being afraid and started being upfront with people, I realized that it wasn't the end of the world. The worst that would happen is that someone would get mad at me. But life moves on no matter what and I had to learn how to move on with it.
Nobody's voice is more important than another's. Everyone is equal. So by allowing myself to act like what everyone else thought or wanted was more important than what I thought or wanted, I was ultimately doing myself a disservice. I wasn't less important or less deserving than they were. I'm equal and I always have been. I just wish that it didn't take me so long to realize it.
I know that I'm going to make choices that people don't agree with and that I'm going to disagree with people on a daily basis. But I'm not going to allow myself to be held down by self-doubt or fear anymore. What I think is important. What I feel is important. What I want is important. And ultimately, at the end of the day, I shouldn't be scared of expressing my opinion. I have a responsibility to myself to live and express my truth. I can't control what happens after and as someone that tends to thrive on control, normally that would scare me. But it doesn't. I feel incredibly at peace with the decisions I've made and the things that I've said because ultimately, whenever I've done anything, I thought it was the right thing to do.
I have to set a good example for my son and show him that he shouldn't be afraid of doing or saying anything, whether it's sticking up for himself, standing up to a friend or just not being afraid to express his opinion or truth. I have to be someone that can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I've lived life authentically and unapologetically myself.
So look out, world. I'm using my voice.
-Chelsea
