I Am Too Nice

                      Sometimes I forget that it's okay to say this word.

I've always been a "nice" girl. There is nothing wrong with that but I tend to have an obsessive and literal personality. Especially during my younger years, I was prone to only seeing things in black and white. There was no such thing as a "gray area."Therefore, when I realized that I wanted to be a good person, I saw no room for doing anything that could be construed as mean or inconsiderate. So I, always have and still do, get walked over like a doormat way more times than not.

I'll use today as an example. I've been working a lot lately and I was so looking forward to a day off tomorrow, so much so that the thought of being asked to work tomorrow was nerve-wracking. I needed some time to recharge. Yet, when someone quit today and management asked me to work, I filled up with so much dread from being put on the spot. So even though all I could think of was how miserable I would be tomorrow and how much it would put me out, I accepted because I didn't want my manager to be inconvenienced instead.

So even though the thought of finally having some time to myself to get things done, to run errands and to just relax was so appealing and just within reach, I gave it up for someone else. It's not as if it's the first time that I've done this and that's what the problem is. I don't know how to put a stop to this habit. People can tell me to stop but it's always easier said than done. If I could stop so easily, then this wouldn't be a dilemma in the first place. I will personally go out of my way to be miserable, just so someone else isn't miserable instead. It doesn't even matter if I care about the person or if I barley know them at all. The word "no" seems to just not be a part of my vocabulary during situations like this.

I have nobody to blame but myself. I did this but I can't help it that I have an extremely guilty conscience. I love my job but I don't intend to make it a career right now. So it shouldn't take priority over my happiness, yet it did and I guarantee that it will continue to be that way until I grow a little bit of backbone and say, "You know what, I'm going to think about me for a change." I don't think that it's ever a bad thing to take some much needed time for yourself and just enjoy your life without the pressures of work or the outside world.

So even though I love being a "nice" person, sometimes it can be a bit bothersome. It's something that I have a hard time mastering and need to learn control over, or else I'm sure that it will drive me nuts. I just hope that when I go out of my way for other people, that some day down the road, they think of what I did and smile, or that they do the same for me in return. :)