Grief

I mentioned in an earlier blog that just over a month ago, I lost someone very close to me. Until then, I'd never lost anyone before and I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. Everyone kept telling me that I'd handle it my own way, that there was no right or wrong way to deal with the pain. In the beginning, I was in shock. Unfortunately, I knew that it was coming. I'd been watching this person go slowly for weeks and it was utterly heartbreaking. But still, when I got the phone call saying that she had passed peacefully in her sleep, for some reason, I couldn't believe it. It didn't process and it felt that way for the first 2 weeks or so.

Until the viewing, I had been in blatant denial. But the viewing helped put it into perspective for me. The viewing and the funeral were the hardest things that I've ever done in my life. I was very close to this person and knowing that I'd never get the chance to see them or talk to them again was gut-wrenching. I finally realized and accepted that they were gone.

Or so I thought. There are still days where I think to myself, "Man, I haven't called her in a while. I should do that right now". But as I'm about to dial the number, I remember. Every time that I see a picture of her or see something that reminds me of her, like a certain movie or song, it hurts. I feel a physical pain in my chest, as if my heart is actually feeling the pain. There are some days that are better than others. Some days I'm strong and I can manage my emotions. Other days, all it takes is a sad song or for my mind to wander and I'm crying hysterically because I miss her so much.

When I first lost her, my family told me that there would be good days and bad days, that there will be times when it'll just hit me out of nowhere. And I've found that to be very true. It's been the most difficult month of my life and the pain is more intense than anything that I've ever felt before. I've had to learn to take it one day at a time and that grieving is a process. It's going to take a while for me to completely adjust to everything and that's okay. I know that it'll never stop hurting; I'll miss her every day for the rest of my life. But one day, I'll be able to miss her but still be okay.

I've found that my family was right. There isn't a right or wrong way to grieve. Losing someone is hard and nobody but me knows what's best for me. So I'm doing what I can to make the pain better and live my life in a way that would make her proud. But ultimately, I'm so grateful for the blessing that I was given. I got to know her and love her. I'm a better person for knowing her and I'll always treasure her memory. And the last time that I saw her before she passed, I got the chance to say goodbye. I'll hold that in my heart forever and never take that memory for granted.

-Chelsea