Who Planted Those Seeds?

Around 5 years ago, I started seeing a therapist to help me learn to control my anxiety. I was really scared to do it but I knew that I needed it. I didn't want to be scared of the world and I knew that I could benefit from someone else's objective opinions about my problems. Seeing a therapist ended up being one of the best things I've ever done. She gave me the tools to help improve my life and helped me see things from a different point of view. Her advice changed my life and I still use it daily.

I haven't seen another therapist since I moved away from Florida and over the past few months, I've gone through a lot emotionally. I've been going through a lot and once the hormones from just having a baby got mixed in with all of that, life became overwhelming for me. So my mother suggested that I go see my old therapist during my visit home for Christmas. I thought it was a great idea and I made the appointment.

And I'm so glad that I did.

During my session, we talked about my low self-esteem and low self-worth. I've been dealing with those problems my whole life, even though I've come very far over the past few years. And as I'm describing how I see myself to her, I started saying things like: I'm anxious, I'm easily guilted into things, I'm not as attractive as I wish I was, I'm stubborn, I'm weird, I'm a nerd, etc. Once I was done, she looked at me with compassion and sincerity and said, "Chelsea, who planted those seeds?"

I didn't understand what she meant at first and she said, "Whose opinions are these? Are they yours? Or have you allowed other people to plant seeds of doubt about yourself? And do you carry them and allow them to grow? Is this how you see yourself or is this how you think the people around you see you?"

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought about how I was bullied when I was a kid and how I had a bad habit of holding onto toxic friendships that always ended up making me feel bad about myself. So I said, "They're other people's opinions of me. I just absorbed them like they were true." To which she responded, "And what was their motive for planting those seeds?"

That was when the lightbulb went off. Every bad opinion of myself that I've taken from other people had a reason for being there. Bullies made me feel bad because they wanted to feel powerful and they gained their power by making me feel weak. My toxic friends made me feel bad because they wanted to lift themselves up while tearing me down. The list goes on and on. So I realized that not only was I carrying around the feelings of other people that didn't even matter to me anymore but I was allowing them to define my worth. And in doing so, I've allowed them to manipulate me.

Now that I'd had my epiphany and gotten out so many repressed feelings during my session, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That one refresher session made me feel so much happier and lighter. I didn't realize how badly I'd needed a session until I was back in that chair, spewing all of my insecurities. I think that everyone can benefit from therapy and that sometimes, it's just comforting to know that there is someone there for you that only has your best interests at heart. They have nothing to gain but the knowledge that they're helping you lead a better life and I encourage everyone to do it.

I constantly call myself a work in progress. I know that at my core, I'm a good person but I do have very far to go as far as confidence and self-acceptance. It's a difficult journey but it's worth it as long as I get to the end result, which is self-acceptance and refusing to apologize for being 100 percent myself. Even though I know that I have flaws, just like everyone else does, I'm ultimately proud of who I am.


So now, when I describe myself, this is what I'll say:

I'm passionate. I'm funny. I'm athletic. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm funny. I'm fun. I'm focused. I'm determined. I'm helpful. I'm generous. I'm kind. And most of all, I'm loyal.

From now on, I'm going to remind myself that nobody else's opinion of me should matter and that how I view myself is the only thing that defines me.

The best part of this experience is that the seeds of doubt that grew inside my mind will now start to wither away over time as I learn to completely accept myself. And in their place, these new seeds of confidence will start to grow.

And who planted those seeds?

Me.

-Chelsea