It's no secret that motherhood is hard. It's the most beautiful and fulfilling job in the world but it's still hard. And despite the hundreds of parenting books out there, there is no way to be a perfect parent or escape the overwhelming feelings that come along with parenting. I know that everyone experiences their own hardships and views things differently. But for me personally, the hardest part of motherhood so far has been what people call "mom guilt".
I know the type of mother that I want to be. I want to be kind, nurturing, understanding, firm, tough but fair. Authoritative, not authoritarian. Not too lax and not too strict. I want my son to know that he can come to me for anything and that I'll never judge him. I want him to respect me, not fear me. I want him to know that I'm a safe place for him. But as much as I want to be his best friend, he needs to know that I'm his parent first. And I want him to know that every choice that I ever make, I'm making with him in mind.
And even though I feel those feelings in my bones, I question every decision I make. A lot of parenting is picking your battles. Every day I wonder if I pick too many battles or not enough. I worry about if I'm letting him watch too much TV or if I'm not working with him enough outside of school. I worry if I'm too strict or if I'm not strict enough. I worry about his eating habits and if I'm making sure that he's eating healthy enough.
And every time that I question myself, I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt.
I know that I'm doing my best and I never know what life is going to throw at me. Despite all of the research I've done about raising kids, I'm just winging this parenting thing. And I know that even when parents have the best of intentions, sometimes things don't turn out the way that they want them to. There's just no way to know how your child is going to interpret your actions or what they'll like or resent about the way that you raised them. But no matter what, how we parent and what choices we make ultimately influence our children's personalities and worldviews.
And man is that a lot of responsibility.
My son is the light of my life. He represents everything good about this world. He is smart, athletic, funny, kind, silly, creative, sweet, brave and strong. He is everything that I ever could've wanted him to be and more. And the last thing that I would ever want to do is dull his shine.
He has a close relationship with his grandparents. He's in a soccer program that he loves. He is clothed, fed and has a roof over his head. I feed him organic when I can afford it. He goes to a good school. He's happy. And still, if you asked me to say the sentence "I'm a good mom", I would struggle to get the words out. The guilt and the insecurity that I often feel would take over. I know that as a mom, I'm doing the best that I can. I can only hope that it's good enough.
Mothers are judged often and hard by society. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down. So please, tell the mothers that are in your life that they're doing a good job. You have no idea how much they might need to hear that.
-Chelsea
