Mom Guilt

 It's no secret that motherhood is hard. It's the most beautiful and fulfilling job in the world but it's still hard. And despite the hundreds of parenting books out there, there is no way to be a perfect parent or escape the overwhelming feelings that come along with parenting. I know that everyone experiences their own hardships and views things differently. But for me personally, the hardest part of motherhood so far has been what people call "mom guilt". 

I know the type of mother that I want to be. I want to be kind, nurturing, understanding, firm, tough but fair. Authoritative, not authoritarian. Not too lax and not too strict. I want my son to know that he can come to me for anything and that I'll never judge him. I want him to respect me, not fear me. I want him to know that I'm a safe place for him. But as much as I want to be his best friend, he needs to know that I'm his parent first. And I want him to know that every choice that I ever make, I'm making with him in mind. 

And even though I feel those feelings in my bones, I question every decision I make. A lot of parenting is picking your battles. Every day I wonder if I pick too many battles or not enough. I worry about if I'm letting him watch too much TV or if I'm not working with him enough outside of school. I worry if I'm too strict or if I'm not strict enough. I worry about his eating habits and if I'm making sure that he's eating healthy enough. 

And every time that I question myself, I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. 

I know that I'm doing my best and I never know what life is going to throw at me. Despite all of the research I've done about raising kids, I'm just winging this parenting thing. And I know that even when parents have the best of intentions, sometimes things don't turn out the way that they want them to. There's just no way to know how your child is going to interpret your actions or what they'll like or resent about the way that you raised them. But no matter what, how we parent and what choices we make ultimately influence our children's personalities and worldviews. 

And man is that a lot of responsibility. 

My son is the light of my life. He represents everything good about this world. He is smart, athletic, funny, kind, silly, creative, sweet, brave and strong. He is everything that I ever could've wanted him to be and more. And the last thing that I would ever want to do is dull his shine. 

He has a close relationship with his grandparents. He's in a soccer program that he loves. He is clothed, fed and has a roof over his head. I feed him organic when I can afford it. He goes to a good school. He's happy. And still, if you asked me to say the sentence "I'm a good mom", I would struggle to get the words out. The guilt and the insecurity that I often feel would take over. I know that as a mom, I'm doing the best that I can. I can only hope that it's good enough. 

Mothers are judged often and hard by society. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down. So please, tell the mothers that are in your life that they're doing a good job. You have no idea how much they might need to hear that. 

-Chelsea 

My Unconditional Love

Ever since I had my son, I've been asked a lot of weird questions. But the weirdest one by far is, "Will you be disappointed if he doesn't grow up to be exactly like you?"

No. Not in the slightest. There is no way that my son could ever be a disappointment, especially over something so trivial.   

I didn't have a child so that I could raise myself. My parents already did that. I'm raising my son and he's his own person. He's allowed to have his own likes, beliefs, hobbies, talents, etc. I don't want to raise him to be exactly like me. That would be so incredibly boring and unfair to him. But also, he's only a year old. How could I put expectations on him like that? How could I imply that he'd disappoint or upset me simply because he doesn't like what I like?

I'm so excited to see who he grows up to be, the most authentic version of himself. It's a journey that I'm loving so far and I know I'm blessed to be on it. As a parent, I don't want to put any limitations on him. I want him to know that I will support him no matter what he likes or wants to do. Unconditional love is just that, unconditional. A mother's love has no strings attached. I would never say that my love or acceptance of my child was dependent on anything because it isn't. And that's one thing that my son can count on. He never has to worry about my expectations of him because all I want is for him to be happy and know that he is loved, safe and accepted.

I once had a talk with my therapist about children being different from their parents. She explained, "When a woman is pregnant, people look at the mother and child as being the same person because they're sharing a body. Everything the mother does affects the baby. But once that baby is born, they're officially separated and they baby becomes their own person." And that's exactly how I feel. He's an individual and he should be treated as such. I don't need him to be a carbon-copy of me and I don't want that for him.

And that goes for anything. Earlier today, I took him to story time at the library and the librarian let the kids play with drumsticks. My son loved them. He normally responds very well to toys that make music, as well. And I got to thinking, what if one day he grows up to be a musician? How amazing would that be? I don't know how to play a single instrument and it would make me prouder than you can imagine if he had a skill or talent that I didn't have. 

As a parent, I don't want my son to be like me. I want him to be better than me. I want him to have skills, talents and opportunities that I didn't have. For all I know, he might grow up to be the exact opposite of me. He could hate to read and write. He could hate football or sports in general. He could be confident and outspoken. And I wouldn't change it. I would accept him for who he is, the best thing that's ever happened to me and my favorite person. 

And that, just like my unconditional love for him, will never change. 

-Chelsea 

Moments

Ever since I gave birth to my son a few weeks ago, I keep finding myself thinking about moments that I wish didn't have to end. Everyone always says that kids grow up too fast but you never really think about it until you have your own. And then you're surprised when you blink and the first few months of their lives go by. People tell you about how the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years.

But nobody tells you about the moments.

Like the moments when they flash their toothless smiles and you soak it in because you know that one day that smile will be full of teeth. Or when they wrap their fingers around yours during every feeding, like they're saying thank you. Or when they cry for you to hold them and you hold them tight because you know that one day they'll be too heavy for you to do it again. Or those moments when they drift off to sleep on your chest because they feel so comfortable and safe. Or when they reach a new milestone and you're so excited; but you feel a small pang of sadness because you know that your little baby isn't going to be little much longer.

I've been blessed with an incredible baby. He's calm. He sleeps through the night. He's easy-going. He loves people and animals. He loves long car rides. His personality is developing a little more each day and it's been so much fun watching him figure out what he likes and doesn't like. We're figuring each other out and creating such a beautiful, special bond. I knew that parenthood would be fun but I didn't know how much of an adventure it would be. Every day is a learning experience for the both of us.

He's still so little now and everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it. They say that these are the moments that I'll miss the most when he's older and I know they're right. I know that I'm going to look back on my life one day and think of these months as the best time of my life. I'm so blessed to be a mom but I'm incredibly lucky to be his mom.

I wish that time could stand still. I'd do anything to make that happen. But I can't. So I'll just keep enjoying every moment possible with my little boy. Creating a family was the best decision I ever made and I'm so thankful that I made it. Now that he's here, I can't imagine my life without him and it's weird to think that there was a time in my life when I wasn't his mom. My world revolves around him and the moments that are worth more to me than anything else in the world. My boy and the memories that we're making together are priceless and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I always knew that my purpose in life was to be a writer. But now I know that my destiny was also to be a mother. My life is about him and making sure that I make him as happy as he makes me. Everyone always says that life goes by so fast and that we need to stop and smell the roses. And because of my son, I finally have a reason to.

-Chelsea