Letting Go of My Anxiety

I've had a lot of time to think lately about the kind of life that I want to have. And yesterday, I realized something: my past no longer has to dictate my life. As cliché as it sounds, hindsight really is 20-20 and now that my eyes have been opened to how toxic my ways of thinking were to myself, I can't go back. As someone that has consistently struggled with anxiety, I've realized how much of it is unnecessary. The ridiculous, often unachievable, standards to which I live my life and the absolute crippling fear of the world that I've always had don't need to follow me into the future. I can leave them in the past, where they belong.

Now, I know it's not as simple as that. It's easier said than done but that doesn't make it impossible. I have been working on myself and educating myself about how to improve my ways of thinking. It's been a lot of hard work and has involved a lot of in-depth self-reflection. And it's been incredibly informative. When I think about why I am the way I am or why I think the way I do, I can now trace it back to specific events or certain people that helped shape my life. And if I'm honest, although I'm proud of the overall person that I've become, I'm far from who I want to be. But now that I've started the process, there is no going back, only moving forward.

I never knew how fast time could go until I became a mother. It feels like I blink and another month has gone by. The days all go by and fade into each other until I can't believe how much time has past. And that has shown me just how short life really is. I don't want to waste any more of my life holding onto toxic traits or feeling as if I deserve less than what I do. I want to live life to the fullest and have no regrets.

But I know that in this process, I'll lose people in my life, whether they're friends or family. In fact, I already have. But I can't focus on that. If those people don't want to embrace, a stronger, more mentally healthy person, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Too often, I've been afraid to stand up to people, have put myself down for the sake of another person or let other people manipulate me because of my anxiety. But not anymore. I've always felt crippled by my anxiety and when it's controlled by another person, I'm not just a prisoner in my own mind; I'm a prisoner in theirs, too. It was never okay. That way of life was never good enough. But I lived it.

And now I'm realizing more than ever that I can't please everyone. I can't be perfect. Everyone isn't going to like me. Not everyone is going to like my work. Sometimes you have to tell people things that they don't want to hear and vice versa. Bad things happen in life and there's nothing I can do about it. All of these thoughts have constantly haunted me until my anxiety spun them so far out of control that I became immobilized by worries that probably wouldn't happen. Uncertainty and fear were my greatest enemies and my anxiety's biggest allies.

I'm not saying that I can flip a switch and immediately become a better person. But what I can tell you is that lately, I've felt more powerful and more myself than I ever have in my life. I'm becoming someone that I can truly be proud of. And I won't rest until I no longer describe myself as an anxious person and the word "anxiety" is erased from my vocabulary, no matter how long it takes.

-Chelsea

Apologizing to My Younger Self

Dear Chelsea,

We've been through so much over the years and I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I've always considered myself a pretty good person, until I remember how I've treated you for your entire life. You're so loyal, so passionate and most of all, you're one of the most loving people I know. But for some reason, I never let you give any of that love to yourself. And I should've. You have more than enough to give. And maybe, if I did, you wouldn't have struggled so much with your self-esteem or confidence.

I'm sorry that I let you care so much about what other people thought of you. Those people whose opinions helped shape your self-image aren't even in your life anymore. I'm sorry that I allowed you to settle for less than you deserved. I'm sorry that you found more comfort by yourself than you did with others. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you to speak up for yourself. I'm sorry that I was so tough on you and put expectations on you that nobody could realistically reach. I'm sorry that I let your mind wander and dwell in such dark places. I'm sorry that I allowed your loyalty to others to keep you in situations that you knew would end up hurting you. I'm sorry that I let you be easily guilted into doing things that you didn't want to do. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time. I'm sorry I allowed you to feel, at times, unspeakable pain and that I didn't give you the courage to share it with your friends and family. I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through and that I forced you to go through it all alone.

I know that you can't see it right now but I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At twenty-five years old, you're so much more than what you thought you could ever be. You have everything you ever wanted. You're married and recently had your first incredible child. You faced your biggest fear and accomplished your biggest dream when you published your first book last year. You earned an English degree. You recently got hired as an editor and just finished editing your first client's book. You have a beautiful house and the best friends that you could've asked for. Your life is an adventure. You've lived in three different states. You worked as a nanny to put yourself through college. You've traveled on multiple girls' trips with your friends. You took up competitive pole dancing. You've pushed yourself outside your comfort zone and went after everything you wanted, regardless of your fears. You've made the most incredible memories and found so much strength inside of you that you never knew existed. I promise you, Chelsea, that you might have seen yourself as invisible, different or even, at times, unlikeable but you are and have always been extraordinary. And I am so sorry that I ever let you think otherwise.

Your life is wonderful and so different than you could've ever dreamed. And what's exciting is how much more potential it has. You used to see the world in black and white. But trust me, not only are there shades of gray, there are so many colors. You've grown so much as a person and every day you're molding yourself into who you're meant to be. You're a work in progress and you have so much more to learn. But don't be overwhelmed. Just look at how far you've come and look at the lessons you've learned.

Your anxiety doesn't define you. Your happiness isn't dependent on what others think of you. You were given natural gifts and talent, so it is your responsibility to use them. No matter what, there is always room for more love in your heart, so you have no excuse not to give it to yourself. And just because you're not perfect doesn't mean that people will love you any less.

You used to always say, "I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist." And I'm here to tell you, Chelsea, that perception is reality. If you allow yourself to see yourself as the strong, independent, capable, funny, smart and likeable woman you truly are, your life will change in the blink of an eye. And I wish that I could've done that for you. I'm so sorry that, especially during your teenage years, I allowed you to scrutinize yourself and see the world in a negative light. You have so much to offer the world and the world has so much to offer you. You just have to be willing to see it.

I am so sorry for everything, more than you'll ever know. But I also need to thank you for all that you've taught me. I'm the woman I am today because of you and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

-Chelsea

Who Planted Those Seeds?

Around 5 years ago, I started seeing a therapist to help me learn to control my anxiety. I was really scared to do it but I knew that I needed it. I didn't want to be scared of the world and I knew that I could benefit from someone else's objective opinions about my problems. Seeing a therapist ended up being one of the best things I've ever done. She gave me the tools to help improve my life and helped me see things from a different point of view. Her advice changed my life and I still use it daily.

I haven't seen another therapist since I moved away from Florida and over the past few months, I've gone through a lot emotionally. I've been going through a lot and once the hormones from just having a baby got mixed in with all of that, life became overwhelming for me. So my mother suggested that I go see my old therapist during my visit home for Christmas. I thought it was a great idea and I made the appointment.

And I'm so glad that I did.

During my session, we talked about my low self-esteem and low self-worth. I've been dealing with those problems my whole life, even though I've come very far over the past few years. And as I'm describing how I see myself to her, I started saying things like: I'm anxious, I'm easily guilted into things, I'm not as attractive as I wish I was, I'm stubborn, I'm weird, I'm a nerd, etc. Once I was done, she looked at me with compassion and sincerity and said, "Chelsea, who planted those seeds?"

I didn't understand what she meant at first and she said, "Whose opinions are these? Are they yours? Or have you allowed other people to plant seeds of doubt about yourself? And do you carry them and allow them to grow? Is this how you see yourself or is this how you think the people around you see you?"

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought about how I was bullied when I was a kid and how I had a bad habit of holding onto toxic friendships that always ended up making me feel bad about myself. So I said, "They're other people's opinions of me. I just absorbed them like they were true." To which she responded, "And what was their motive for planting those seeds?"

That was when the lightbulb went off. Every bad opinion of myself that I've taken from other people had a reason for being there. Bullies made me feel bad because they wanted to feel powerful and they gained their power by making me feel weak. My toxic friends made me feel bad because they wanted to lift themselves up while tearing me down. The list goes on and on. So I realized that not only was I carrying around the feelings of other people that didn't even matter to me anymore but I was allowing them to define my worth. And in doing so, I've allowed them to manipulate me.

Now that I'd had my epiphany and gotten out so many repressed feelings during my session, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That one refresher session made me feel so much happier and lighter. I didn't realize how badly I'd needed a session until I was back in that chair, spewing all of my insecurities. I think that everyone can benefit from therapy and that sometimes, it's just comforting to know that there is someone there for you that only has your best interests at heart. They have nothing to gain but the knowledge that they're helping you lead a better life and I encourage everyone to do it.

I constantly call myself a work in progress. I know that at my core, I'm a good person but I do have very far to go as far as confidence and self-acceptance. It's a difficult journey but it's worth it as long as I get to the end result, which is self-acceptance and refusing to apologize for being 100 percent myself. Even though I know that I have flaws, just like everyone else does, I'm ultimately proud of who I am.


So now, when I describe myself, this is what I'll say:

I'm passionate. I'm funny. I'm athletic. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm funny. I'm fun. I'm focused. I'm determined. I'm helpful. I'm generous. I'm kind. And most of all, I'm loyal.

From now on, I'm going to remind myself that nobody else's opinion of me should matter and that how I view myself is the only thing that defines me.

The best part of this experience is that the seeds of doubt that grew inside my mind will now start to wither away over time as I learn to completely accept myself. And in their place, these new seeds of confidence will start to grow.

And who planted those seeds?

Me.

-Chelsea

One day, it'll be the last time

Yesterday while I was feeding my son, my husband looks over at me and says, "Aw. He's holding your finger." I looked down and saw that he was, but oddly enough, I hadn't noticed. He does it during every feeding, so it's something that I've gotten used to. But it got me thinking. I don't want to miss out on that stuff, even for a second because one day, that sweet little baby is going to grow up. And those special little moments will fade away.

Now that I'm a parent, I know what adults mean when they say that time goes by too fast. When you're a kid, a year seems like an eternity. But now that I'm grown, I blink and a year has gone by. I still can't believe that this time last year, I had just found out that I was pregnant. It's mind-boggling to me that my son is nearly four months old now and is about to experience his first Christmas. And thinking about it makes me go down memory lane and think about all of my experiences growing up.

One day, my dad held me up on his shoulders for the last time. He didn't know that after that time, I'd be too heavy for him to do it anymore. One day, I stopped wearing my mom's heels around the house. She had no idea that it was the last time she'd find her shoes scattered across her closet. One day, my parents watched me play outside for the last time. They had no idea that after that, they wouldn't hear the sound of my laughter coming from the jungle gym anymore.

And as heartbreaking as it will be, those days will come for me and my son, too. But it's a part of growing up. Every day that passes by goes too quickly nowadays but I have to remind myself that I'm lucky to get a chance to live another day. Every new day is a chance for my son to learn a new skill. It's a chance for new memories. It's a chance to show the people that I love that I love them.

One day, my son will stop holding my finger while he eats. One day, my son will stop hating bath time. One day, my son won't fit in his little monkey pajamas. One day, I'll read my son his last bedtime story. One day, his face won't light up anymore when he sees Elmo. I only have so many of these moments left, just like my parents did with me. So, I'm making a promise to stay more present during these moments and someday, when these moments become memories, I'll remind myself about something very important: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened."- Dr. Seuss

-Chelsea

Moments

Ever since I gave birth to my son a few weeks ago, I keep finding myself thinking about moments that I wish didn't have to end. Everyone always says that kids grow up too fast but you never really think about it until you have your own. And then you're surprised when you blink and the first few months of their lives go by. People tell you about how the days turn into weeks, the weeks turn into months and the months turn into years.

But nobody tells you about the moments.

Like the moments when they flash their toothless smiles and you soak it in because you know that one day that smile will be full of teeth. Or when they wrap their fingers around yours during every feeding, like they're saying thank you. Or when they cry for you to hold them and you hold them tight because you know that one day they'll be too heavy for you to do it again. Or those moments when they drift off to sleep on your chest because they feel so comfortable and safe. Or when they reach a new milestone and you're so excited; but you feel a small pang of sadness because you know that your little baby isn't going to be little much longer.

I've been blessed with an incredible baby. He's calm. He sleeps through the night. He's easy-going. He loves people and animals. He loves long car rides. His personality is developing a little more each day and it's been so much fun watching him figure out what he likes and doesn't like. We're figuring each other out and creating such a beautiful, special bond. I knew that parenthood would be fun but I didn't know how much of an adventure it would be. Every day is a learning experience for the both of us.

He's still so little now and everyone keeps telling me to enjoy it. They say that these are the moments that I'll miss the most when he's older and I know they're right. I know that I'm going to look back on my life one day and think of these months as the best time of my life. I'm so blessed to be a mom but I'm incredibly lucky to be his mom.

I wish that time could stand still. I'd do anything to make that happen. But I can't. So I'll just keep enjoying every moment possible with my little boy. Creating a family was the best decision I ever made and I'm so thankful that I made it. Now that he's here, I can't imagine my life without him and it's weird to think that there was a time in my life when I wasn't his mom. My world revolves around him and the moments that are worth more to me than anything else in the world. My boy and the memories that we're making together are priceless and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

I always knew that my purpose in life was to be a writer. But now I know that my destiny was also to be a mother. My life is about him and making sure that I make him as happy as he makes me. Everyone always says that life goes by so fast and that we need to stop and smell the roses. And because of my son, I finally have a reason to.

-Chelsea

When People Show You Who They Really Are, You Have to Believe Them

You know how you can tell who your true friends are, the people who really care about you? They tell you things that you don't want to hear. They're honest with you, even if you don't want to hear it. They know that you need to hear it. 

This happened to me two days ago and I keep thinking about it. For a while now, there have been strains in a few of my relationships, ones that should have been easily avoided. Unfortunately, I can't say that I'm surprised that they happened. But the weight of how I've been treated by these people has been keeping me down and affecting me. I'm constantly thinking about it because the pain is so raw and I honestly can't believe that these people would be willing to hurt me like that. 

So as I'm venting to my best friend, she tells me that I'm the one who is hurting myself. She points out that these people have shown me exactly who they are on multiple occasions and that the pain I'm feeling is coming from the fact that I'm hoping that these people will change. But they won't. And to be honest, I didn't want to hear that but the more that I thought about it, I realized that she was right. I'm allowing them to hurt me and in doing so, I'm only hurting myself because they're not losing any sleep over their behavior. Only I am. 

I'm someone that feels things very deeply, someone that was raised to be a good person that considered other peoples' feelings. I would never intentionally hurt someone else or make them feel the way that I have been lately. That's why I can't wrap my brain around this situation and I keep waiting for it to change. But it's not going to because these people aren't me; they weren't raised like I was. These people don't care about me. These people don't deserve me in their lives and they definitely don't deserve to have me obsessing over their behavior towards me. 

I've asked quite a few people for advice about how to handle this and every person keeps telling me the same thing. They tell me to put my guard up and protect my feelings. They tell me to toughen up and put a fence around my heart so that these people can't hurt me anymore. They tell me to cut these people out of my life and if I ever do see them again, be cold to them. And I know that they're right but it feels so weird to go against my natural instincts. I always want to fix problems. I always want to see the best in people. I always want to give people more chances than they probably deserve. But at the end of the day, all that I get is wasted time and heartache. 

It hurts me to know that the actions of other people are forcing me to change. I don't feel like that's fair but I guess that's life. It isn't fair sometimes. And if being cold sometimes and learning not to care as much is going to help me stay mentally healthy, then that's what I'm going to have to do. Obsessing over this has taken up too much of my life already and I need to focus on what I can change, which is how I approach these types of situations. I have to toughen up. My son needs my time and energy, not these people that do nothing but break my heart and cause me to question what I ever did to deserve such treatment. 

I consider myself to be an extremely passionate person who wears their heart on their sleeves. So training myself to be tougher is going to be really hard for me but I need to set an example for my son. He needs to know that nobody else should ever make him question his self-worth. He needs to know that protecting yourself doesn't make you a bad person. He needs to know that negative people are toxic and that negativity is contagious. And he needs to know that I'll do anything to protect us from people that don't have our best interests at heart. So even though I'm very sensitive, feel things on a deep level and have difficulty letting things go, I feel as if I've got no choice but to try to be stronger than I've ever been. Holding onto the past and holding onto people that have already let go is not going to propel me forward. From now on, I'm going to be much more selective of the people that I let into my inner circle. I'm gonna do whatever I can to stop hurting myself and stop other people from hurting me. It isn't worth it and it's making life tougher than it already is. And I officially don't have time for it anymore. 

I'm only sorry that it took me this long to accept the truth: that when people show you who they really are, you have to believe them.

-Chelsea 

If You Condone What's Going on at the Border, Delete Me

Unless you've been living under a rock, I'm sure that you've heard about the familial separations that have been happening at the border. I don't know about you, but I am absolutely disgusted with this. This is not what America stands for and that behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I know that immigration can be a controversial topic and that many people disagree on how we should handle it. And honestly, I don't understand why people get so heated about it. This country was built on immigration but for some reason, I know many people who believe that all immigrants are criminals that should be banned from this country for "taking our jobs" or "using our resources". And you know what I have to say to that? Shame on you. What makes you more worthy of respect, resources, basic human rights or the chance at a better life than anyone else? The fact that you were born in the U.S instead of a third world country? That was pure luck and you need to take a good look at yourself in the mirror if you think that way. Just because someone wasn't born in this country doesn't mean that they don't deserve the same rights that we have. 

On the Statue of Liberty, one of the most iconic American symbols, it says, "Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” So if you are against the idea of immigration, then you are against one of America's greatest values. Immigration is one of the most American values that we have. I don't know why people in this political climate feel that it is okay to wear their racism or discrimination on their sleeves but it's abhorrent and unacceptable. The fact that I even have to say this leaves a bad taste in my mouth. 

Despite what you may think, what's going on at the border is not a political issue. It's a human rights issue. Children should not be separated from their parents and nobody should be treated the way that these people are being treated. The fact that I know people that are not only condoning this behavior but defending it, makes me sick. Today I heard the argument that "military brats are separated from their parents. So what is so bad about these immigrants being separated from their parents?" I can tell you right now that if this is how you think, you need to delete me right now. There is absolutely no excuse for this behavior and politicizing the military is unacceptable. 

These two issues are completely unrelated. When a person in the military enlists, they do so willingly. They go on their deployments and leave their families behind, that's true. But you know what? They still have ways of contacting them. They have Skype, cell phones, Facebook, etc. They know that their children are safe and protected by their families. That is not the case for these immigrant families. And you know what? Just because military brats have to deal with it doesn't mean that it's easy. As a military spouse, I know how difficult going through a deployment is. Now that I'm 8 months pregnant and my husband just re-enlisted, the next time my husband deploys, he'll be separated from me and our son. 

I have seen how military brats act when their parents are away. Every child reacts differently. And you know what? Either way, it's NOT EASY. I love my husband and our life together. But I can say with 100 percent certainty that when my husband deploys again, I am not looking forward to my son looking at me and asking, "Where is Daddy? When is Daddy coming home?" It is going to be extremely difficult for me and my son. And that is when the children are not being kept away from their parents against their will. If you think that the two are correlated, then you clearly are not in a military family and you clearly don't understand the magnitude of the situation. 

Honestly, I don't care if you disagree with me. This is more than a difference in political opinion. This is a difference in morality. If you advocate for the separation of families, then I ask you to consider your own family. Imagine your children being forcibly taken away from you. You don't know where they are, what they're doing or when you'll get to see them again. If you don't have children, imagine being two years old and being separated from your parents in the same way. We are all equal, whether you want to open your eyes and see that or not. And no matter what your opinions on immigration are, you should not be for the traumatizing of children, which is definitely going to be the result of these actions.

So if you condone this behavior, then you're not someone that I want in my life and I'm ashamed. And if you're someone that thinks that it's easy to be in the military and have a family, then clearly you've never done it. But one thing is for sure, if you believe that in any circumstances that this behavior is acceptable, then you are 100 percent wrong. Period. So if you're one of those people on my Facebook page or any other social media platform that disagrees with me on this issue, then it was nice knowing you. I've always believed that you are the company that you keep and you know what? I will not allow myself to sink down to your level. 

-Chelsea