My Favorite Books of 2021

 Before 2021, I was in the longest reading slump of my life, no exaggeration. I started to wonder if I could even call myself a reader anymore. I couldn't finish a new book to save my life and my local library was so small that I had a hard time finding anything I was interested in within their limited selection. But I've always loved to read and write, so the fact that I was losing these lifelong loves of mine was really upsetting to me. I told myself that 2021 was going to be the year that I was going to rediscover my love of books again. So I set a Goodreads goal of 12 books for the year so that it wouldn't be too overwhelming and I could slowly jump back into reading. Well, according to Goodreads, I've read 39 books this year. So I definitely surpassed this goal. 

I read some incredible books this year. I didn't love every book I read but that's okay; not every book is for every person. I read books that I've known about for years and books I've never heard of until this year. It was a very mixed bag and I'm really proud to say that I can call myself a proud bookwork again. So I'm here today to talk about my favorite books of the year. If you haven't read these yet, I would definitely recommend that you go check them out!

1) The How and the Why by Cynthia Hand

This story follows Cassandra, a teenager that was adopted when she was a baby. It was a closed adoption, so she has no idea who her biological parents are. Her adoptive family has given her an incredible life but the story begins when her adoptive mother is in the hospital with a heart condition. Cassandra learns that letters were written to her by her biological mom when she was pregnant. So the book follows Cassandra's search for the letters while also balancing the guilt she feels for doing so while her mother is sick/in recovery. 

The letters were definitely my favorite part of the book. I love when books do flashbacks or include written letters. It's always such a nice touch. I couldn't put this book down. Hand's writing was just so addicting. Her characters were so compelling and I was genuinely invested in the journey to find out about her birth mother. When the book was over, I was scared to read another one because I knew that I couldn't possibly love it as much as I loved this one. 

2) Daughter of the Pirate King by Tricia Levenseller

Alosa, daughter of the elusive and powerful Pirate King, allows herself to be taken hostage aboard her enemies' ship while she secretly looks for a map for her father. While onboard, she falls in love with the ship's first mate and discovers that her life with her father might not be what she thinks it is. 

This book was so much fun! I couldn't put this down. The banter between Alosa and Ryden was perfect. This book had everything, romance, humor, action, betrayal. Alosa's backstory was so interesting and it was perfect for fans of Pirates of the Caribbean (which I am). I immediately went to Barnes and Noble to pick up the sequel. 

3) The Inheritance Games by Jennifer Lynn Barnes

Avery Grambs is randomly left a billionaire's fortune, even though she never met him before he passed. The only condition for receiving the fortune is that she has to live in his mansion for a year. Unfortunately, his family is, understandably, very upset that they've been stilted in the will. While in the house, Avery receives death threats, becomes involved in a love triangle and tries to solve the mystery of why she was left the fortune in the first place. 

This book had so many twists and turns. It was such a wild ride. I am not someone that's adept at solving puzzles or figuring out riddles, so every twist caught me completely off-guard. I loved the use of games within the story. It showed that the author really thought everything out beforehand. The characters had big personalities and they were so much fun to follow. I preordered the sequel immediately and also loved it. 

4) Go the Distance (Twisted Tales #11) by Jen Calonita

This year, I decided that, since I'm such a big Disney fan, that I'd start reading the Twisted Tales series. I read 5 this year but this one was by far my favorite. This book starts out right after Hercules defeated the Titans. He tries to give up his rights to Mount Olympus to be with Meg as a mortal but his request is denied. So the only way for he and Meg to be together is if she becomes a god like Hercules. She is then sent on a quest to save her ex-boyfriend's wife from the underworld. If she can't do so before the time limit, then she can't be with Hercules. 

This one was another book that was just pure fun. It was amazing to jump into this world and go on such an interesting adventure. I loved that Meg wasn't just saving someone random. This gave her a real challenge, to save the wife of the man she gave up her soul for. I could definitely see myself reading this again, which is more than I could say for some of the other Twisted Tales. I also picked up Mirror, Mirror, also by Calonita, this year (the Snow White Twisted Tale) and that one was also really good. But if you're looking for a Twisted Tale to start off the series, please go with this one. 

5) The Afterlife of Holly Chase by Cynthia Hand

17-year-old Holly Chase is visited by 3 ghosts on Christmas Eve and shown the error of her selfish ways. The ghosts try to warn her that if she doesn't change her ways, that when she dies, there will be punishment. She ignores all of their advice and ends up dying shortly after their visit. As part of her punishment, she is doomed to live as the new Ghost of Christmas Past. She has her new job for a few years and goes through the motions until one day, she falls in love with the new prospect for Project Scrooge. 

This was the first and only book that I read in a day this year. There is just something about Hand's writing that I find addicting. I wasn't even sure that I was going to love this book when I first bought it. I just picked it up because it was December and I wanted to read something about Christmas. I'm so glad that I gave this book a chance. I loved all of the characters, the wit, the world that Hand created and the ending. Hand definitely solidified herself as my new favorite author this year. If you've never read her books before, please pick them up. You won't be sorry!

Overall, I had a very solid reading year and I'm very pleased with all of the books that I was able to finish. What were your favorite books of 2021? Have you read any of my favorites? What were your thoughts? 

-Chelsea 

Mom Guilt

 It's no secret that motherhood is hard. It's the most beautiful and fulfilling job in the world but it's still hard. And despite the hundreds of parenting books out there, there is no way to be a perfect parent or escape the overwhelming feelings that come along with parenting. I know that everyone experiences their own hardships and views things differently. But for me personally, the hardest part of motherhood so far has been what people call "mom guilt". 

I know the type of mother that I want to be. I want to be kind, nurturing, understanding, firm, tough but fair. Authoritative, not authoritarian. Not too lax and not too strict. I want my son to know that he can come to me for anything and that I'll never judge him. I want him to respect me, not fear me. I want him to know that I'm a safe place for him. But as much as I want to be his best friend, he needs to know that I'm his parent first. And I want him to know that every choice that I ever make, I'm making with him in mind. 

And even though I feel those feelings in my bones, I question every decision I make. A lot of parenting is picking your battles. Every day I wonder if I pick too many battles or not enough. I worry about if I'm letting him watch too much TV or if I'm not working with him enough outside of school. I worry if I'm too strict or if I'm not strict enough. I worry about his eating habits and if I'm making sure that he's eating healthy enough. 

And every time that I question myself, I get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt. 

I know that I'm doing my best and I never know what life is going to throw at me. Despite all of the research I've done about raising kids, I'm just winging this parenting thing. And I know that even when parents have the best of intentions, sometimes things don't turn out the way that they want them to. There's just no way to know how your child is going to interpret your actions or what they'll like or resent about the way that you raised them. But no matter what, how we parent and what choices we make ultimately influence our children's personalities and worldviews. 

And man is that a lot of responsibility. 

My son is the light of my life. He represents everything good about this world. He is smart, athletic, funny, kind, silly, creative, sweet, brave and strong. He is everything that I ever could've wanted him to be and more. And the last thing that I would ever want to do is dull his shine. 

He has a close relationship with his grandparents. He's in a soccer program that he loves. He is clothed, fed and has a roof over his head. I feed him organic when I can afford it. He goes to a good school. He's happy. And still, if you asked me to say the sentence "I'm a good mom", I would struggle to get the words out. The guilt and the insecurity that I often feel would take over. I know that as a mom, I'm doing the best that I can. I can only hope that it's good enough. 

Mothers are judged often and hard by society. We need to lift each other up, not tear each other down. So please, tell the mothers that are in your life that they're doing a good job. You have no idea how much they might need to hear that. 

-Chelsea 

I'm Using My Voice

Over the past few months, I've gone through a lot of changes, some internal and some external. My world has truly felt like it was turned completely upside down. Not only has there been a global health pandemic, my personal life has gone through some dramatic shifts as well. My husband's military contract ended, we moved back to our home state and we're both now trying to pick up the pieces to see what the next chapter of our lives looks like. I've decided to make the transition from working from home/being a stay-at-home mom to becoming a working mom. I've had friendships and other personal relationships tested. Truly, I've felt pushed to my limit at times and the stress has gotten to me. But in the midst of these challenges and changes, I've had to learn how to adapt. These last few months have helped turn me into a different person and I truly do think that these changes are for the better.

I've always self-identified as someone that was very shy, timid and anxious in my personal life. It was as if I was afraid of the world and everyone in it. I'd get weighed down by the force of my own anxiety and paralyzing thoughts. But when I'd do what people call "play a role" I was a different person. It was as if I could turn a switch in my brain and all of a sudden, I was a confident, no nonsense person that wasn't afraid of anyone or anything. And I honestly didn't care if people liked me or not. I had a job to do. It was as if I had an alter ego. The Chelsea that quarterbacked her football team or fulfilled the supervisor role at her grocery store job was not the same Chelsea that people saw in my day-to-day life. 



And people used to ask me all the time, "How come we're seeing two different versions of you? If you can be confident sometimes, how come you can't be confident all the time?" And I didn't always have an answer. But I think it came down to feeling like I needed permission. On the football field, I had permission from my coaches to push my players. I had permission to lead them and to make decisions that would ultimately change the outcome of the game. When I started working the front office at the grocery store, I had permission from my bosses to enforce rules and regulations. I had permission to hold the staff accountable for doing their jobs and making sure that the store standards were held. But I didn't feel like, in my everyday life, I had permission to say what I was thinking or stick up from myself, without fear or the need to apologize for disagreeing with someone. I felt like I never stopped walking on eggshells. And that was exhausting, both mentally and emotionally.



But as I'm getting closer and closer to my 30s, I'm realizing that I no longer have the patience to do that anymore. I don't have time to keep putting myself in positions where I feel like I can't speak my piece for fear of someone else's reaction. I don't have time to be miserable or tolerate being treated badly by someone just because I love them. I've realized that I don't need permission to be strong or to feel convictions about my life anymore. And even if I did, I give myself that permission. The first part of taking my power back was realizing that I never had to give it to someone else in the first place. And now that I know that, I'm never giving it away again. 



Clichés are clichés for a reason: because they're true. So when people say, "Life is too short to be unhappy" or "Life is too short to not say what's on your mind" they're absolutely right. I wasted so much of my life being scared of what would happen if someone didn't like me or if I said something that hurt someone's feelings, even if I truly felt that they needed to hear it. And it got me nowhere. Now, I'm getting to the point where I realize that all I can control is how I act and react in different situations. 

I truly feel as if I've gone through my own personal metamorphosis. There have been times where I wonder if I've let the world harden me or if my skin has become too thick. But I know that I needed to grow because what I was doing clearly wasn't working for me. And to be quite honest, it wasn't working for the people closest to me. I felt like I had to be who they wanted me to be and that I couldn't give them my honest opinions. I felt like I had to censor or water down my personality and thoughts. But I realize now that that's not true. I can't be who anyone else wants me to be and even when I tried, I was never really happy with myself. I knew it was wrong but I kept doing it anyway because I was scared of the possible consequences I'd deal with. But once I stopped being afraid and started being upfront with people, I realized that it wasn't the end of the world. The worst that would happen is that someone would get mad at me. But life moves on no matter what and I had to learn how to move on with it. 



Nobody's voice is more important than another's. Everyone is equal. So by allowing myself to act like what everyone else thought or wanted was more important than what I thought or wanted, I was ultimately doing myself a disservice. I wasn't less important or less deserving than they were. I'm equal and I always have been. I just wish that it didn't take me so long to realize it.



I know that I'm going to make choices that people don't agree with and that I'm going to disagree with people on a daily basis. But I'm not going to allow myself to be held down by self-doubt or fear anymore. What I think is important. What I feel is important. What I want is important. And ultimately, at the end of the day, I shouldn't be scared of expressing my opinion. I have a responsibility to myself to live and express my truth. I can't control what happens after and as someone that tends to thrive on control, normally that would scare me. But it doesn't. I feel incredibly at peace with the decisions I've made and the things that I've said because ultimately, whenever I've done anything, I thought it was the right thing to do.



I have to set a good example for my son and show him that he shouldn't be afraid of doing or saying anything, whether it's sticking up for himself, standing up to a friend or just not being afraid to express his opinion or truth. I have to be someone that can look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I've lived life authentically and unapologetically myself.

When I started therapy journey back in 2012, my therapist told me that whenever someone tried to ignore what I was saying or put me down for my opinion to say, "I'm using my voice". That way, I could convey to the person just how important what I said was to me and they would know that I needed to be heard. 

So look out, world. I'm using my voice. 

-Chelsea 

Sensitivity

For as long as I can remember, I've been an extremely sensitive person. I've worn my heart on my sleeve and had my heart broken countless times. I also think that society paints the picture that sensitive people are weak. And that collective narrative from the world made me feel so bad about myself. I thought that how sensitive or easily hurt I was meant that there was something wrong with me and I carried that burden throughout my life.

On a recent visit to my friend, I had a discussion with her about how I'd been hurt by something she accidentally did to me. Now, despite the fact that I knew that it was a complete accident, I couldn't stop myself from feeling hurt. I knew that this was my issue and I had to deal with it, especially since she'd given me a genuine apology. But no matter how much I wanted to just let it go, I felt the need to talk to her about it because I needed her to know how much it hurt me. And as I explained how I felt, I repeatedly apologized to her for overreacting and crying about what she'd done.

To my surprise, she told me to stop apologizing and scolded me for berating myself unnecessarily. She said, "I know you're sensitive. You don't have to keep apologizing." And I kept prodding, saying that I needed her to know that I was more mad at my reaction than I was at her. What she said to me has stuck with me since. "Stop looking at your sensitivity as a flaw. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Think of it like a car. If a car has sensitive brakes, that doesn't make it a bad car. It's just a car with sensitive brakes. The same is true for you. You're not any less of a person because you're sensitive. It's not a flaw. It's just part of who you are."

It's amazing how one conversation with someone can help you see things more clearly. I'm someone that can hear the same thing repeatedly and know that you're right. But what you said still might not stick. But if you give me an analogy, it'll sink in a lot easier. So the car analogy was just what I needed. And I do think that she's right. Being sensitive isn't something that I need to look at with disdain; in fact, I think that I should embrace it. Loving yourself is about loving all of you and I've been working really hard this past year and a half at doing just that.

Instead of viewing my sensitivity as a weakness, I'm going to start looking at it as a strength. After all, my sensitivity helps me feel compassion, sympathy and empathy for others. It helps me feel things very deeply, which allows me to be passionate; and being passionate is one of my favorite components of my personality. My sensitivity also allows me to connect more easily with others and helps me be there for people when they need me. It helps me stay in tune with my emotions and lets me know when I need to take a look at myself and what I'm feeling.

It's so easy to look at yourself and pick apart at your personality traits or flaws. It's a lot harder to recognize the strength or the potential for strength that you have inside of you. And I'm very guilty of that. It's taken a long time to retrain my brain to see myself in a positive light. It's been a lot of work and even now, I still have a lot more work to do. But I'm jumping in with both feet because learning to love myself has given me so much happiness. And isn't that what life's all about? Happiness isn't always easy to find but it's a lot easier if you start looking inside yourself for it.

So if you're overly sensitive, like me, I know that you've probably felt a little extra pain throughout the course of your life. But I also know that you're incredibly loyal, fiercely compassionate, generous, loving and strong. Don't ever lose sight of that. You may be sensitive but you're also a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. So don't reject it, embrace it and more importantly, embrace your whole self.

-Chelsea

My Unconditional Love

Ever since I had my son, I've been asked a lot of weird questions. But the weirdest one by far is, "Will you be disappointed if he doesn't grow up to be exactly like you?"

No. Not in the slightest. There is no way that my son could ever be a disappointment, especially over something so trivial.   

I didn't have a child so that I could raise myself. My parents already did that. I'm raising my son and he's his own person. He's allowed to have his own likes, beliefs, hobbies, talents, etc. I don't want to raise him to be exactly like me. That would be so incredibly boring and unfair to him. But also, he's only a year old. How could I put expectations on him like that? How could I imply that he'd disappoint or upset me simply because he doesn't like what I like?

I'm so excited to see who he grows up to be, the most authentic version of himself. It's a journey that I'm loving so far and I know I'm blessed to be on it. As a parent, I don't want to put any limitations on him. I want him to know that I will support him no matter what he likes or wants to do. Unconditional love is just that, unconditional. A mother's love has no strings attached. I would never say that my love or acceptance of my child was dependent on anything because it isn't. And that's one thing that my son can count on. He never has to worry about my expectations of him because all I want is for him to be happy and know that he is loved, safe and accepted.

I once had a talk with my therapist about children being different from their parents. She explained, "When a woman is pregnant, people look at the mother and child as being the same person because they're sharing a body. Everything the mother does affects the baby. But once that baby is born, they're officially separated and they baby becomes their own person." And that's exactly how I feel. He's an individual and he should be treated as such. I don't need him to be a carbon-copy of me and I don't want that for him.

And that goes for anything. Earlier today, I took him to story time at the library and the librarian let the kids play with drumsticks. My son loved them. He normally responds very well to toys that make music, as well. And I got to thinking, what if one day he grows up to be a musician? How amazing would that be? I don't know how to play a single instrument and it would make me prouder than you can imagine if he had a skill or talent that I didn't have. 

As a parent, I don't want my son to be like me. I want him to be better than me. I want him to have skills, talents and opportunities that I didn't have. For all I know, he might grow up to be the exact opposite of me. He could hate to read and write. He could hate football or sports in general. He could be confident and outspoken. And I wouldn't change it. I would accept him for who he is, the best thing that's ever happened to me and my favorite person. 

And that, just like my unconditional love for him, will never change. 

-Chelsea 

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everyone knows the expression, "Everything happens for a reason". It's become so well-known that it's almost a cliché at this point. I think people don't even realize how often they say it. It's a comforting notion, that the universe is helping us along in our journeys and that it helps move our lives in the right direction. 

I'm not a religious person, so I don't subscribe to the idea that there is a fully thought-out plan for my life. But, especially for the past few years, I have believed that everything really does happen for a reason. And in my experience, it's usually been to teach me a lesson. For example, when my husband and I were originally stationed in Fort Drum, New York back in 2013, we weren't happy about it at all. Being born and raised in Florida, the idea of living just beneath the Canadian border was our own personal nightmare. We didn't know anything about driving in the snow. We needed to buy a whole new winter wardrobe. We would be 1,400 miles away from our families. Our families were constantly checking the weather and worrying about us during lake effect snowstorms. The list of problems went on an on. 

We were originally told that we were going to be stationed there for 3 years but we ended up staying there for 4 and a half. In the beginning, we couldn't wait to leave. The time passed slowly and we felt trapped. But my mother kept reminding me that I would only be as miserable as I would allow myself to be. I realized that I couldn't change my circumstances but I could change how I reacted to them. I ended up getting nannying jobs with some really wonderful kids. I discovered some incredibly beautiful wineries. I hiked mountains and found waterfalls. I met my best friend. I began pole dancing and met some of the most amazing friends that I've ever had. During my last year there, I discovered a small town called Clayton. It's truly a hidden gem. I fell in love with the town and everyone in it. Because I watched some of the kids there, I felt like I became part of the town and the family I worked for made me feel like I was a part of their family, especially during Kris' deployment. 

Looking back, I'm so happy that we ended up staying in Drum longer than we expected. Accepting my circumstances with a positive attitude really changed everything for me. I met the most incredible people that I never would've met otherwise and traveled the country with them. I got to live in and fall in love with a part of the world I never would've otherwise seen. Had we moved after 3 years, like we were originally supposed to, I never would've discovered Clayton or made the wonderful lifelong memories that I now have. I'm incredibly grateful for them and I miss Clayton so much every day. 

Living in New York taught me so much about myself and about life. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done. Moving 1,400 miles away from my family and my safety net was terrifying. I was thrust into adulthood and went from living at home with my parents to taking care of myself on the other end of the country. Learning to drive in the snow was petrifying. Living on my own in New York while Kris was deployed instead of going back home to Florida was a choice that I questioned most days while he was gone. But in the end, I'm so glad that I did all of those things. 

Doing all of that forced me to grow. Staying in my comfort zone would've been the worst thing that I could've done for myself and I'd never know what I know now. I'm so much more confident in myself and my independence. Now, I don't have any doubts that I could take care of myself, that I could make the best out of a bad situation or that I can adapt to a new place, regardless of whether or not I chose it. I am the person that I am today because I did the things that terrified me and forced me out of my comfort zone. In the end, I came out stronger because of it. I was meant to go to New York. I was meant to stay 4 and a half years. What I originally feared would be the worst time of my life was truly one of the best things that ever happened to me. Everything was meant to be and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I might not always know what's best for me. I thought the best thing would've been for me to either stay in Florida or get out of New York as fast as possible. But I was wrong. I don't know everything and I didn't then, either. The universe knew what I needed and it provided it, as well as my clarity. I can truly say with assurance that everything does happen for a reason and what is meant to be will be. 

-Chelsea 

Letting Go of My Anxiety

I've had a lot of time to think lately about the kind of life that I want to have. And yesterday, I realized something: my past no longer has to dictate my life. As cliché as it sounds, hindsight really is 20-20 and now that my eyes have been opened to how toxic my ways of thinking were to myself, I can't go back. As someone that has consistently struggled with anxiety, I've realized how much of it is unnecessary. The ridiculous, often unachievable, standards to which I live my life and the absolute crippling fear of the world that I've always had don't need to follow me into the future. I can leave them in the past, where they belong.

Now, I know it's not as simple as that. It's easier said than done but that doesn't make it impossible. I have been working on myself and educating myself about how to improve my ways of thinking. It's been a lot of hard work and has involved a lot of in-depth self-reflection. And it's been incredibly informative. When I think about why I am the way I am or why I think the way I do, I can now trace it back to specific events or certain people that helped shape my life. And if I'm honest, although I'm proud of the overall person that I've become, I'm far from who I want to be. But now that I've started the process, there is no going back, only moving forward.

I never knew how fast time could go until I became a mother. It feels like I blink and another month has gone by. The days all go by and fade into each other until I can't believe how much time has past. And that has shown me just how short life really is. I don't want to waste any more of my life holding onto toxic traits or feeling as if I deserve less than what I do. I want to live life to the fullest and have no regrets.

But I know that in this process, I'll lose people in my life, whether they're friends or family. In fact, I already have. But I can't focus on that. If those people don't want to embrace, a stronger, more mentally healthy person, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Too often, I've been afraid to stand up to people, have put myself down for the sake of another person or let other people manipulate me because of my anxiety. But not anymore. I've always felt crippled by my anxiety and when it's controlled by another person, I'm not just a prisoner in my own mind; I'm a prisoner in theirs, too. It was never okay. That way of life was never good enough. But I lived it.

And now I'm realizing more than ever that I can't please everyone. I can't be perfect. Everyone isn't going to like me. Not everyone is going to like my work. Sometimes you have to tell people things that they don't want to hear and vice versa. Bad things happen in life and there's nothing I can do about it. All of these thoughts have constantly haunted me until my anxiety spun them so far out of control that I became immobilized by worries that probably wouldn't happen. Uncertainty and fear were my greatest enemies and my anxiety's biggest allies.

I'm not saying that I can flip a switch and immediately become a better person. But what I can tell you is that lately, I've felt more powerful and more myself than I ever have in my life. I'm becoming someone that I can truly be proud of. And I won't rest until I no longer describe myself as an anxious person and the word "anxiety" is erased from my vocabulary, no matter how long it takes.

-Chelsea