Sensitivity

For as long as I can remember, I've been an extremely sensitive person. I've worn my heart on my sleeve and had my heart broken countless times. I also think that society paints the picture that sensitive people are weak. And that collective narrative from the world made me feel so bad about myself. I thought that how sensitive or easily hurt I was meant that there was something wrong with me and I carried that burden throughout my life.

On a recent visit to my friend, I had a discussion with her about how I'd been hurt by something she accidentally did to me. Now, despite the fact that I knew that it was a complete accident, I couldn't stop myself from feeling hurt. I knew that this was my issue and I had to deal with it, especially since she'd given me a genuine apology. But no matter how much I wanted to just let it go, I felt the need to talk to her about it because I needed her to know how much it hurt me. And as I explained how I felt, I repeatedly apologized to her for overreacting and crying about what she'd done.

To my surprise, she told me to stop apologizing and scolded me for berating myself unnecessarily. She said, "I know you're sensitive. You don't have to keep apologizing." And I kept prodding, saying that I needed her to know that I was more mad at my reaction than I was at her. What she said to me has stuck with me since. "Stop looking at your sensitivity as a flaw. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive. Think of it like a car. If a car has sensitive brakes, that doesn't make it a bad car. It's just a car with sensitive brakes. The same is true for you. You're not any less of a person because you're sensitive. It's not a flaw. It's just part of who you are."

It's amazing how one conversation with someone can help you see things more clearly. I'm someone that can hear the same thing repeatedly and know that you're right. But what you said still might not stick. But if you give me an analogy, it'll sink in a lot easier. So the car analogy was just what I needed. And I do think that she's right. Being sensitive isn't something that I need to look at with disdain; in fact, I think that I should embrace it. Loving yourself is about loving all of you and I've been working really hard this past year and a half at doing just that.

Instead of viewing my sensitivity as a weakness, I'm going to start looking at it as a strength. After all, my sensitivity helps me feel compassion, sympathy and empathy for others. It helps me feel things very deeply, which allows me to be passionate; and being passionate is one of my favorite components of my personality. My sensitivity also allows me to connect more easily with others and helps me be there for people when they need me. It helps me stay in tune with my emotions and lets me know when I need to take a look at myself and what I'm feeling.

It's so easy to look at yourself and pick apart at your personality traits or flaws. It's a lot harder to recognize the strength or the potential for strength that you have inside of you. And I'm very guilty of that. It's taken a long time to retrain my brain to see myself in a positive light. It's been a lot of work and even now, I still have a lot more work to do. But I'm jumping in with both feet because learning to love myself has given me so much happiness. And isn't that what life's all about? Happiness isn't always easy to find but it's a lot easier if you start looking inside yourself for it.

So if you're overly sensitive, like me, I know that you've probably felt a little extra pain throughout the course of your life. But I also know that you're incredibly loyal, fiercely compassionate, generous, loving and strong. Don't ever lose sight of that. You may be sensitive but you're also a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. So don't reject it, embrace it and more importantly, embrace your whole self.

-Chelsea

My Unconditional Love

Ever since I had my son, I've been asked a lot of weird questions. But the weirdest one by far is, "Will you be disappointed if he doesn't grow up to be exactly like you?"

No. Not in the slightest. There is no way that my son could ever be a disappointment, especially over something so trivial.   

I didn't have a child so that I could raise myself. My parents already did that. I'm raising my son and he's his own person. He's allowed to have his own likes, beliefs, hobbies, talents, etc. I don't want to raise him to be exactly like me. That would be so incredibly boring and unfair to him. But also, he's only a year old. How could I put expectations on him like that? How could I imply that he'd disappoint or upset me simply because he doesn't like what I like?

I'm so excited to see who he grows up to be, the most authentic version of himself. It's a journey that I'm loving so far and I know I'm blessed to be on it. As a parent, I don't want to put any limitations on him. I want him to know that I will support him no matter what he likes or wants to do. Unconditional love is just that, unconditional. A mother's love has no strings attached. I would never say that my love or acceptance of my child was dependent on anything because it isn't. And that's one thing that my son can count on. He never has to worry about my expectations of him because all I want is for him to be happy and know that he is loved, safe and accepted.

I once had a talk with my therapist about children being different from their parents. She explained, "When a woman is pregnant, people look at the mother and child as being the same person because they're sharing a body. Everything the mother does affects the baby. But once that baby is born, they're officially separated and they baby becomes their own person." And that's exactly how I feel. He's an individual and he should be treated as such. I don't need him to be a carbon-copy of me and I don't want that for him.

And that goes for anything. Earlier today, I took him to story time at the library and the librarian let the kids play with drumsticks. My son loved them. He normally responds very well to toys that make music, as well. And I got to thinking, what if one day he grows up to be a musician? How amazing would that be? I don't know how to play a single instrument and it would make me prouder than you can imagine if he had a skill or talent that I didn't have. 

As a parent, I don't want my son to be like me. I want him to be better than me. I want him to have skills, talents and opportunities that I didn't have. For all I know, he might grow up to be the exact opposite of me. He could hate to read and write. He could hate football or sports in general. He could be confident and outspoken. And I wouldn't change it. I would accept him for who he is, the best thing that's ever happened to me and my favorite person. 

And that, just like my unconditional love for him, will never change. 

-Chelsea 

Everything Happens for a Reason

Everyone knows the expression, "Everything happens for a reason". It's become so well-known that it's almost a cliché at this point. I think people don't even realize how often they say it. It's a comforting notion, that the universe is helping us along in our journeys and that it helps move our lives in the right direction. 

I'm not a religious person, so I don't subscribe to the idea that there is a fully thought-out plan for my life. But, especially for the past few years, I have believed that everything really does happen for a reason. And in my experience, it's usually been to teach me a lesson. For example, when my husband and I were originally stationed in Fort Drum, New York back in 2013, we weren't happy about it at all. Being born and raised in Florida, the idea of living just beneath the Canadian border was our own personal nightmare. We didn't know anything about driving in the snow. We needed to buy a whole new winter wardrobe. We would be 1,400 miles away from our families. Our families were constantly checking the weather and worrying about us during lake effect snowstorms. The list of problems went on an on. 

We were originally told that we were going to be stationed there for 3 years but we ended up staying there for 4 and a half. In the beginning, we couldn't wait to leave. The time passed slowly and we felt trapped. But my mother kept reminding me that I would only be as miserable as I would allow myself to be. I realized that I couldn't change my circumstances but I could change how I reacted to them. I ended up getting nannying jobs with some really wonderful kids. I discovered some incredibly beautiful wineries. I hiked mountains and found waterfalls. I met my best friend. I began pole dancing and met some of the most amazing friends that I've ever had. During my last year there, I discovered a small town called Clayton. It's truly a hidden gem. I fell in love with the town and everyone in it. Because I watched some of the kids there, I felt like I became part of the town and the family I worked for made me feel like I was a part of their family, especially during Kris' deployment. 

Looking back, I'm so happy that we ended up staying in Drum longer than we expected. Accepting my circumstances with a positive attitude really changed everything for me. I met the most incredible people that I never would've met otherwise and traveled the country with them. I got to live in and fall in love with a part of the world I never would've otherwise seen. Had we moved after 3 years, like we were originally supposed to, I never would've discovered Clayton or made the wonderful lifelong memories that I now have. I'm incredibly grateful for them and I miss Clayton so much every day. 

Living in New York taught me so much about myself and about life. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done. Moving 1,400 miles away from my family and my safety net was terrifying. I was thrust into adulthood and went from living at home with my parents to taking care of myself on the other end of the country. Learning to drive in the snow was petrifying. Living on my own in New York while Kris was deployed instead of going back home to Florida was a choice that I questioned most days while he was gone. But in the end, I'm so glad that I did all of those things. 

Doing all of that forced me to grow. Staying in my comfort zone would've been the worst thing that I could've done for myself and I'd never know what I know now. I'm so much more confident in myself and my independence. Now, I don't have any doubts that I could take care of myself, that I could make the best out of a bad situation or that I can adapt to a new place, regardless of whether or not I chose it. I am the person that I am today because I did the things that terrified me and forced me out of my comfort zone. In the end, I came out stronger because of it. I was meant to go to New York. I was meant to stay 4 and a half years. What I originally feared would be the worst time of my life was truly one of the best things that ever happened to me. Everything was meant to be and if there's one thing I've learned, it's that I might not always know what's best for me. I thought the best thing would've been for me to either stay in Florida or get out of New York as fast as possible. But I was wrong. I don't know everything and I didn't then, either. The universe knew what I needed and it provided it, as well as my clarity. I can truly say with assurance that everything does happen for a reason and what is meant to be will be. 

-Chelsea 

Letting Go of My Anxiety

I've had a lot of time to think lately about the kind of life that I want to have. And yesterday, I realized something: my past no longer has to dictate my life. As cliché as it sounds, hindsight really is 20-20 and now that my eyes have been opened to how toxic my ways of thinking were to myself, I can't go back. As someone that has consistently struggled with anxiety, I've realized how much of it is unnecessary. The ridiculous, often unachievable, standards to which I live my life and the absolute crippling fear of the world that I've always had don't need to follow me into the future. I can leave them in the past, where they belong.

Now, I know it's not as simple as that. It's easier said than done but that doesn't make it impossible. I have been working on myself and educating myself about how to improve my ways of thinking. It's been a lot of hard work and has involved a lot of in-depth self-reflection. And it's been incredibly informative. When I think about why I am the way I am or why I think the way I do, I can now trace it back to specific events or certain people that helped shape my life. And if I'm honest, although I'm proud of the overall person that I've become, I'm far from who I want to be. But now that I've started the process, there is no going back, only moving forward.

I never knew how fast time could go until I became a mother. It feels like I blink and another month has gone by. The days all go by and fade into each other until I can't believe how much time has past. And that has shown me just how short life really is. I don't want to waste any more of my life holding onto toxic traits or feeling as if I deserve less than what I do. I want to live life to the fullest and have no regrets.

But I know that in this process, I'll lose people in my life, whether they're friends or family. In fact, I already have. But I can't focus on that. If those people don't want to embrace, a stronger, more mentally healthy person, then I don't want them in my life anyway. Too often, I've been afraid to stand up to people, have put myself down for the sake of another person or let other people manipulate me because of my anxiety. But not anymore. I've always felt crippled by my anxiety and when it's controlled by another person, I'm not just a prisoner in my own mind; I'm a prisoner in theirs, too. It was never okay. That way of life was never good enough. But I lived it.

And now I'm realizing more than ever that I can't please everyone. I can't be perfect. Everyone isn't going to like me. Not everyone is going to like my work. Sometimes you have to tell people things that they don't want to hear and vice versa. Bad things happen in life and there's nothing I can do about it. All of these thoughts have constantly haunted me until my anxiety spun them so far out of control that I became immobilized by worries that probably wouldn't happen. Uncertainty and fear were my greatest enemies and my anxiety's biggest allies.

I'm not saying that I can flip a switch and immediately become a better person. But what I can tell you is that lately, I've felt more powerful and more myself than I ever have in my life. I'm becoming someone that I can truly be proud of. And I won't rest until I no longer describe myself as an anxious person and the word "anxiety" is erased from my vocabulary, no matter how long it takes.

-Chelsea

Apologizing to My Younger Self

Dear Chelsea,

We've been through so much over the years and I'm so sorry for what I've put you through. I've always considered myself a pretty good person, until I remember how I've treated you for your entire life. You're so loyal, so passionate and most of all, you're one of the most loving people I know. But for some reason, I never let you give any of that love to yourself. And I should've. You have more than enough to give. And maybe, if I did, you wouldn't have struggled so much with your self-esteem or confidence.

I'm sorry that I let you care so much about what other people thought of you. Those people whose opinions helped shape your self-image aren't even in your life anymore. I'm sorry that I allowed you to settle for less than you deserved. I'm sorry that you found more comfort by yourself than you did with others. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you to speak up for yourself. I'm sorry that I was so tough on you and put expectations on you that nobody could realistically reach. I'm sorry that I let your mind wander and dwell in such dark places. I'm sorry that I allowed your loyalty to others to keep you in situations that you knew would end up hurting you. I'm sorry that I let you be easily guilted into doing things that you didn't want to do. I'm sorry for wasting so much of your time. I'm sorry I allowed you to feel, at times, unspeakable pain and that I didn't give you the courage to share it with your friends and family. I'm sorry for everything that I've put you through and that I forced you to go through it all alone.

I know that you can't see it right now but I promise you, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. At twenty-five years old, you're so much more than what you thought you could ever be. You have everything you ever wanted. You're married and recently had your first incredible child. You faced your biggest fear and accomplished your biggest dream when you published your first book last year. You earned an English degree. You recently got hired as an editor and just finished editing your first client's book. You have a beautiful house and the best friends that you could've asked for. Your life is an adventure. You've lived in three different states. You worked as a nanny to put yourself through college. You've traveled on multiple girls' trips with your friends. You took up competitive pole dancing. You've pushed yourself outside your comfort zone and went after everything you wanted, regardless of your fears. You've made the most incredible memories and found so much strength inside of you that you never knew existed. I promise you, Chelsea, that you might have seen yourself as invisible, different or even, at times, unlikeable but you are and have always been extraordinary. And I am so sorry that I ever let you think otherwise.

Your life is wonderful and so different than you could've ever dreamed. And what's exciting is how much more potential it has. You used to see the world in black and white. But trust me, not only are there shades of gray, there are so many colors. You've grown so much as a person and every day you're molding yourself into who you're meant to be. You're a work in progress and you have so much more to learn. But don't be overwhelmed. Just look at how far you've come and look at the lessons you've learned.

Your anxiety doesn't define you. Your happiness isn't dependent on what others think of you. You were given natural gifts and talent, so it is your responsibility to use them. No matter what, there is always room for more love in your heart, so you have no excuse not to give it to yourself. And just because you're not perfect doesn't mean that people will love you any less.

You used to always say, "I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist." And I'm here to tell you, Chelsea, that perception is reality. If you allow yourself to see yourself as the strong, independent, capable, funny, smart and likeable woman you truly are, your life will change in the blink of an eye. And I wish that I could've done that for you. I'm so sorry that, especially during your teenage years, I allowed you to scrutinize yourself and see the world in a negative light. You have so much to offer the world and the world has so much to offer you. You just have to be willing to see it.

I am so sorry for everything, more than you'll ever know. But I also need to thank you for all that you've taught me. I'm the woman I am today because of you and I wouldn't want to be anyone else.

-Chelsea

Who Planted Those Seeds?

Around 5 years ago, I started seeing a therapist to help me learn to control my anxiety. I was really scared to do it but I knew that I needed it. I didn't want to be scared of the world and I knew that I could benefit from someone else's objective opinions about my problems. Seeing a therapist ended up being one of the best things I've ever done. She gave me the tools to help improve my life and helped me see things from a different point of view. Her advice changed my life and I still use it daily.

I haven't seen another therapist since I moved away from Florida and over the past few months, I've gone through a lot emotionally. I've been going through a lot and once the hormones from just having a baby got mixed in with all of that, life became overwhelming for me. So my mother suggested that I go see my old therapist during my visit home for Christmas. I thought it was a great idea and I made the appointment.

And I'm so glad that I did.

During my session, we talked about my low self-esteem and low self-worth. I've been dealing with those problems my whole life, even though I've come very far over the past few years. And as I'm describing how I see myself to her, I started saying things like: I'm anxious, I'm easily guilted into things, I'm not as attractive as I wish I was, I'm stubborn, I'm weird, I'm a nerd, etc. Once I was done, she looked at me with compassion and sincerity and said, "Chelsea, who planted those seeds?"

I didn't understand what she meant at first and she said, "Whose opinions are these? Are they yours? Or have you allowed other people to plant seeds of doubt about yourself? And do you carry them and allow them to grow? Is this how you see yourself or is this how you think the people around you see you?"

That stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought about how I was bullied when I was a kid and how I had a bad habit of holding onto toxic friendships that always ended up making me feel bad about myself. So I said, "They're other people's opinions of me. I just absorbed them like they were true." To which she responded, "And what was their motive for planting those seeds?"

That was when the lightbulb went off. Every bad opinion of myself that I've taken from other people had a reason for being there. Bullies made me feel bad because they wanted to feel powerful and they gained their power by making me feel weak. My toxic friends made me feel bad because they wanted to lift themselves up while tearing me down. The list goes on and on. So I realized that not only was I carrying around the feelings of other people that didn't even matter to me anymore but I was allowing them to define my worth. And in doing so, I've allowed them to manipulate me.

Now that I'd had my epiphany and gotten out so many repressed feelings during my session, I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. That one refresher session made me feel so much happier and lighter. I didn't realize how badly I'd needed a session until I was back in that chair, spewing all of my insecurities. I think that everyone can benefit from therapy and that sometimes, it's just comforting to know that there is someone there for you that only has your best interests at heart. They have nothing to gain but the knowledge that they're helping you lead a better life and I encourage everyone to do it.

I constantly call myself a work in progress. I know that at my core, I'm a good person but I do have very far to go as far as confidence and self-acceptance. It's a difficult journey but it's worth it as long as I get to the end result, which is self-acceptance and refusing to apologize for being 100 percent myself. Even though I know that I have flaws, just like everyone else does, I'm ultimately proud of who I am.


So now, when I describe myself, this is what I'll say:

I'm passionate. I'm funny. I'm athletic. I'm smart. I'm talented. I'm funny. I'm fun. I'm focused. I'm determined. I'm helpful. I'm generous. I'm kind. And most of all, I'm loyal.

From now on, I'm going to remind myself that nobody else's opinion of me should matter and that how I view myself is the only thing that defines me.

The best part of this experience is that the seeds of doubt that grew inside my mind will now start to wither away over time as I learn to completely accept myself. And in their place, these new seeds of confidence will start to grow.

And who planted those seeds?

Me.

-Chelsea